Parenting Perspective 

It is essential to address the emotion behind your older child’s words before offering an explanation. When they feel their jealousy is acknowledged, they will be more receptive to reason. 

Acknowledge the Hurt Before Explaining 

Begin by meeting the emotion, not the argument. Kneel to your older child’s eye level and name what they feel: ‘It sounded unfair to you. You wanted more of my attention and it hurt.’ When a child feels seen, their emotional intensity often subsides, allowing them to think more clearly. Avoid the urge to defend yourself immediately, as a quick justification can sound like a rejection. Offer a brief apology for how they are feeling, even if your actions were necessary: ‘I am sorry that it felt unequal.’ This restores a sense of safety without conceding that you did something wrong. 

Translate Time Into Warmth, Not Minutes 

Children measure love through attention, touch, and eye contact, not by the clock. Explain to your older child that being ‘fair’ means each child gets what they need, not that every minute is counted and matched. Then, rebalance the connection in ways that are meaningful to them. Offer two choices for a short, guaranteed period of reconnection: ‘After I put the baby down, we will have ten minutes of Lego or a story on the sofa. You can pick.’ Providing a choice helps to restore their sense of control. During this time, put your phone away, set a visible timer, and protect these minutes. Predictability heals more effectively than promises. 

Use a Simple ‘Queue of Comfort’ Routine 

When both children need you at the same time, calmly narrate the sequence of events: ‘First, I will settle the baby for two minutes because their needs are urgent. Next, it is your turn for ten minutes of our game. You are on my list.’ You can hold up two fingers for the baby, then ten for the older child. This simple visual cue helps turn a feeling of competition into a predictable order. Give your older child a ‘helper job’ that fosters connection rather than rivalry, such as passing a nappy, choosing a lullaby, or fetching a muslin cloth. Thank them specifically: ‘You made that much faster. Now our special time can start.’ 

Repair the Moment with Small Gestures 

While you are holding the baby, maintain a connection to your older child through small gestures. This could be a hand squeeze as they pass by, a wink, a whispered ‘I see you, my big one’, or a heart-shaped sticky note placed on their book. These small signals reduce the feeling of being left out. After bedtime, you could leave a short note by their pillow: ‘You waited so bravely today. I loved our drawing time together.’ These small acts of repair build a store of positive memories that can outweigh difficult moments. 

Script for When They Protest 

• Child: ‘You held the baby longer than me.’ 

• Parent: ‘You wanted more of me and it felt unfair. Thank you for telling me how you feel.’ 

• Parent: ‘Fairness means everyone gets what they need at the time. Your turn will start as soon as I lay the baby down. Shall we play with Lego or read a story?’ 

• If they persist: ‘Feelings can be very big, and we can still be kind to one another. You are next on my list.’ 

Protect One ‘VIP Slot’ Daily 

Choose a predictable time each day for a special activity with your older child that the baby rarely interrupts, even if it is only for five to fifteen minutes. You could name it something like ‘Our Secret Seven time’. A small, consistent ritual can be very calming. You can link their cooperation to this special time: ‘When you wait kindly, Our Secret Seven time happens even faster.’ Over the course of a week, your older child will learn that waiting is a bridge to something certain, not an endless tunnel of feeling ignored. 

Spiritual Insight 

It is important to teach your children that love multiplies; it does not divide. Anchor this lesson in the heart of our faith by explaining that Allah Almighty gives parents a capacity for mercy that grows as their family grows. Your love expands like a lantern lighting more corners of a room; it is not like a cake that gets smaller with each slice. Invite your older child to join you in making space for each other as an act of worship and good manners. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Nahal (16), Verse 90: 

‘Indeed, Allah (Almighty) orders you to promote justice and benevolence; and to be generous towards (positively developing) those that are within your jurisdiction; and to prevent that which is immoral, acts of irrationality, and cruelty…’ 

Share how ‘justice’ in a family means giving each person what they need at the right time. A newborn’s needs are often urgent, while an older child’s needs may be deeper and more conversational. Both are honoured and important. When your older child helps you to create an atmosphere of fairness, they are practising a command of Allah Almighty in a real and meaningful way. 

It is recorded in Sahih Bukhari, Hadith 2587, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Be afraid of Allah and be just to your children.’ 

Explain gently that being ‘just’ does not always mean counting minutes. It is about steady kindness, truthful promises, and reliable turns. Invite your child to help you keep justice alive at home by moving a cushion so there is room for two on your lap, bringing a book you can all share, or reminding you of ‘Our Secret Seven time’ with a smile. You can end the day with a short family dua: ‘O Allah, make our home fair and our hearts wide.’ 

In time, your older child will learn that fairness is not a battle to be won but a family habit you build together, for the sake of Allah Almighty and for the peace of everyone in the home.