How can my child set boundaries when a friend spams DMs with insults at night? 

Parenting Perspective 

Late-night messages can feel especially heavy. When a supposed friend floods your child’s DMs with insults or angry rants, it invades their peace at a time when they most need rest. What begins as a digital argument can quickly lead to emotional exhaustion. Your child may wake up feeling anxious, dreading their phone, and feeling trapped, afraid to block someone they once liked. Your role as a parent is to help them draw firm boundaries with calm strength, to teach them that friendship never requires tolerating disrespect, and to restore their sense of control without fuelling the conflict. 

Begin with Calm Reassurance 

When your child shows you the messages, resist the urge to say, ‘Just ignore it,’ or, ‘Why are you still talking to them?’ You must start with empathy: 

‘That must have felt awful to read just before bed.’ 

‘You do not deserve to be spoken to like that, not even once.’ 

Your calm presence helps them to shift from a state of fear to one of safety. You are modelling the very peace that the messages have disrupted. 

Recognising Toxic Behaviour 

Explain that repeated late-night insults are not a feature of friendship; they are a tool for control. Say gently, ‘When someone sends a flood of messages to hurt you, they are not trying to fix things; they are trying to feel powerful.’ This clarity can help your child to separate the behaviour from the bond they thought they had, giving them permission to set boundaries without feeling guilty. True friends do not weaponise access or timing. 

Guiding a Calm and Firm Response 

Encourage your child to send a single, clear message, and only one. The response should be short, firm, and polite, as this draws a boundary without escalating the conflict. They could say: 

‘It is not okay to speak to me like this. I am muting my notifications and will not reply tonight.’ 

After sending it, they should immediately mute, block, or restrict the person. Teach them that silence after setting a boundary is not weakness; it is an act of emotional self-respect. 

Establishing a Digital Curfew 

To ensure ongoing peace, establish a family rule that there will be no emotional conversations online after a certain hour. Phones can be left to charge outside of bedrooms, or set to ‘Do Not Disturb’ mode. This reinforces the principle that mental rest is more important than constant connection. Your children will learn that peace is a form of protection, not a punishment. 

Reflecting on Healthy Friendships 

After the incident has passed, talk about what real friendship feels like. You can ask questions to prompt their reflection: 

• ‘Does this friend make you feel safe or small?’ 

• ‘After talking to them, does your heart feel peaceful or tense?’ 

This discussion teaches discernment, helping them to recognise the difference between someone who values them and someone who drains them. 

Helping your child to set these boundaries is not just about stopping digital cruelty; it is about shaping their character. They are learning that real friendship respects rest, tone, and timing, even in the quiet hours of the night. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam honours both the sanctity of speech and the sanctity of the night. Harsh or excessive words that disturb another person’s peace are a violation of both. The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ taught that a believer’s tongue should be a source of comfort, not chaos. Helping your child to hold firm but calm boundaries at night is a part of teaching them adab (refined manners) and protecting their heart from unnecessary turmoil. 

Respecting Peace and Speech in the Noble Quran 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Furqaan (25), Verse 63: 

‘And the true servants of the One Who is Most Beneficent are those who wander around the Earth with humility; and when they are addressed by the ignorant people, they say: “Peace be unto you”.’ 

This verse sets the standard for a believer’s response to harshness: dignity, calm, and restraint. It reminds your child that replying with peace, or simply stepping away from an insult, is not a sign of weakness but is the hallmark of a divine character. 

The Prophet’s ﷺ Teaching on the Power of Words 

It is recorded in Riyadh Al Saliheen, Hadith 1734, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘A believer is not a slanderer, nor a curser, nor is he obscene or vulgar.’ 

This teaches us that the tongue is a reflection of the heart. When a person fills messages with cruelty, they are revealing a spiritual illness, not a position of strength. By choosing silence, your child is protecting both their dignity and their akhlaq (character). 

When a friend sends insulting messages late at night, it is not only a test of patience but also a lesson in power. The one who can control their reaction is the one who holds the real strength. 

By guiding your child to set firm boundaries with grace, you teach them that their peace is worth protecting, that their night deserves rest, and that their heart was never created to absorb the anger of others. 

One day, when they meet someone who treats them with gentleness, they will recognise it instantly, because they learned, through faith and firmness, what real friendship is supposed to feel like.