How can I use time-ins instead of time-outs when a child is dysregulated? 

Parenting Perspective 

When a child becomes dysregulated, which means they are overwhelmed by big emotions or are having an outburst, the traditional response is often a time-out, where they are sent away to calm down alone. While this separation may reduce the noise in the moment, it can leave a child feeling isolated and misunderstood. A time-in, by contrast, involves the parent staying close and using their connection with the child to help restore a sense of calm. 

Stay Present to Help Them Co-Regulate 

During a time-in, invite your child to sit with you in a quiet, calm space. You do not need to talk straight away; your steady and quiet presence alone communicates a sense of safety. This process is known as co-regulation, where you lend your calm to help their emotional storm to settle. This teaches them that their emotions are not something to be punished for, but something that can be managed together. 

Offer Comfort Instead of Isolation 

It can be helpful to provide a comforting object, such as a soft blanket or a favourite stuffed toy, or to simply speak in a soft, low voice. You might say, ‘I am right here. Let us just breathe together until you feel calmer.’ For younger children, you can model slow breathing or gentle counting. For older children, just sitting in quiet solidarity may be enough. The aim is to lower the intensity of the emotion before addressing the behaviour. 

Reflect on the Incident After Calm is Restored 

Once your child is calm, you can gently revisit what happened. You could say, ‘You were feeling very upset earlier. Let us talk about what we can do differently next time.’ This ensures that the moment becomes a valuable teaching opportunity rather than just a cooling-off break. 

Time-ins transform the act of discipline from one of isolation into one of guidance. They show your children that while their behaviour needs clear boundaries, their emotions are always safe with you. 

Spiritual Insight 

In the Islamic tradition, responding to difficult situations with patience, gentleness, and restraint is considered a mark of true strength and a means of drawing closer to God. 

The Quranic Virtue of Gentle Restraint 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Aalai Imran (3), Verse 134: 

‘Those (the believers are the ones) that spend (in the way of Allah Almighty) in times of abundance and hardship; they suppress their anger; and are forgiving to people; and Allah (Almighty) loves those who are benevolent.’ 

This verse reminds us that managing our strong emotions with restraint and choosing to forgive are qualities that bring us closer to the love of Allah Almighty. 

The Prophetic Emphasis on Mercy 

It is recorded in Jami Tirmidhi, Hadith 1921, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘He is not one of us who does not show mercy to our young and respect to our elders.’ 

This hadith teaches us that mercy is the foundation of all righteous guidance, especially when children are in a vulnerable emotional state. 

By practising time-ins, parents are reflecting the beautiful Prophetic model of mercy and patience. Instead of pushing their children away in moments of weakness, they choose to remain close, teaching them the art of self-control through their own calm and reassuring presence. Over time, children learn that discipline is not about rejection, but about gently guiding the heart back to a state of balance and faith.