How can I show them forgiveness without minimising their hurt? 

Parenting Perspective 

Children can sometimes feel that being encouraged to forgive means their pain was insignificant. If parents rush them to ‘just forgive and forget’, they may feel that their feelings are being dismissed, which can make forgiveness much harder. The goal is to show children that forgiveness acknowledges hurt while also choosing to release it. 

Validate Their Feelings First 

It is important to begin by saying to your child, ‘I know what happened really hurt you, and it is okay to feel upset about it.’ Acknowledging their pain helps them to feel understood and prevents the act of forgiveness from feeling like a dismissal of their experience. 

Explain That Forgiveness Acknowledges Hurt 

Explain to them, ‘You can forgive someone and still remember that what they did was not right. Forgiving does not erase what happened; it just helps you to feel lighter inside.’ This important distinction allows children to see forgiveness as an act of strength, not denial. 

Model a Balanced Approach to Forgiveness 

When you forgive others, demonstrate both a recognition of the hurt and a willingness to move forward. You could say, ‘That was a very difficult situation for me, but I have chosen to forgive because peace is more important than holding onto anger.’ Children learn from this that forgiveness can be both honest and profound. 

Frame Forgiveness as an Act of Healing 

Highlight the sense of relief that comes after forgiveness has been granted. You might say, ‘Do you see how much calmer things feel now that you have forgiven them? That does not mean your feelings were not real; it means you chose peace instead.’ This approach makes forgiveness feel appealing while preserving the importance of their emotions. 

By balancing validation with gentle guidance, you show your child that forgiveness is not about pretending that hurt did not happen, but about choosing to rise above it with dignity. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam honours both the acknowledgement of harm and the choice to forgive. The act of forgiving is not about erasing pain but about seeking the mercy of Allah Almighty by letting go of resentment, while still recognising that a wrong was committed. 

Quranic Guidance on Pardon and Reconciliation 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Shuraa (42), Verse 40: 

‘And the outcome (of defending) against an evil, (could be the formation) of an evil similar to it; so therefore, whoever offers amnesty and reconciliation, then his reward shall be with Allah (Almighty)…’ 

This verse reminds us that forgiveness does not deny the reality of the hurt that was caused, but elevates our response to it into an act of mercy that is rewarded directly by Allah Almighty. 

Prophetic Wisdom on Good Character 

It is recorded in Jami Tirmidhi, Hadith 1162, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The most complete of the believers in faith are those with the best character, and the best of you are those who are best to their families.’ 

This hadith teaches us that showing mercy and forgiveness within our closest relationships is a sign of perfected faith and excellent character. 

By showing your child that forgiveness is both an honest and honourable act, you help them to see that it does not erase their hurt. Instead, it transforms their pain into an act of strength, healing, and closeness to Allah Almighty.