How can I explain paying for tutoring for one sibling and not the other? 

The best way to explain paying for tutoring for one sibling is to focus on the principle of equity, which means giving each child what they need to succeed, rather than the principle of strict equality, which would mean giving the same thing to everyone. Frame the tutoring as a specific, temporary tool to address a demonstrated academic need, not as a reward or a sign of favouritism. 

Parenting Perspective 

When one sibling receives paid tutoring and the other doesn’t, it’s crucial to communicate openly and fairly to ensure both children understand the reasoning. The child receiving tutoring might feel singled out, while the non-tutored sibling could feel left out or jealous. The goal is to explain that educational needs vary from child to child, and the decision is based on specific requirements, not preference. By focusing on academic requirements and ensuring the non-tutored child feels equally supported, you can navigate this situation fairly. 

Clarify the Reason for the Tutoring 

Start by clearly explaining to the child receiving tutoring why it is necessary, focusing on their specific academic struggle. 

• Explain the need: “I’ve noticed you’re struggling a bit with [Subject Name], and tutoring is a specific tool to help you get back on track and strengthen those skills. This isn’t because you’re less capable, or because I favour you; it’s because you need this extra support in this one area right now.” 

• This helps the child understand that the decision is based on an objective academic need, not on personal preference or punishment. 

Assure the Other Child They Are Not Forgotten 

Reassure the sibling who is not receiving tutoring that their needs are equally important and will be met differently. 

• Affirm support: “Just because you’re not getting tutoring doesn’t mean I don’t care about your success. You are doing well in your subjects, but we will find ways to support you in the areas you need help with, too, whether that’s through a specialised online course, a challenging book, or a different extracurricular activity.” 

• This ensures both children feel equally valued, and that their educational development is being met, even if the method is not identical. 

Set a Plan for Future Support 

Discuss future support for both children, based on their potential and evolving individual needs. 

• Plan for evolving needs: “Everyone’s academic path is different. If you feel like you need extra help in the future, we can always reconsider tutoring or other forms of specialised support for you. We will find a solution that works best for your specific needs when the time comes.” 

• This reassures the non-tutored child that their academic growth will be continuously monitored and supported in a way that works uniquely for them. 

Emphasise the Importance of Individual Needs 

Help your children understand that their academic journeys are individual and that support will be tailored accordingly. 

• Teach equity: “Some of us need more help in certain areas, and others need more challenge in others. That doesn’t mean one person is loved more than the other; it just means we all have different needs and different paths to take to succeed.” 

• This teaches them that individual needs and unique circumstances are what shape the decisions made for them, reinforcing the concept of equity over strict equality. 

Spiritual Insight 

In Islam, fairness (Adl) and justice (Qist) are fundamental principles, especially in education. Parents are encouraged to treat their children with equity, providing each child with what they specifically need to succeed and thrive. By explaining the need for tutoring in terms of fairness and responsibility to meet individual requirements, you align with the Islamic value of justice and the importance of nurturing each child’s potential. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Baqarah (2), Verse 286: 

‘Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear.’ 

This verse teaches that each person’s struggles and needs are unique, and that Allah Almighty’s wisdom ensures that we are given responsibilities and capacity according to our ability. Just as each child has different academic needs, this verse guides parents to make decisions that align with each child’s individual capabilities and needs, promoting true fairness without comparison. 

It is recorded in Bulugh al-Maram, Hadith 184, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Fear Allah and treat your children equally.’ 

This Hadith reinforces the importance of fairness and justice in all dealings, including how parents provide for the educational needs of their children. By treating each child’s educational requirements with respect and providing the specific support they require, whether that is tutoring or alternative resources, you model the Islamic values of justice, equity, and sincere care.