What signals tell me my child is holding silent resentment? 

Parenting Perspective 

Silent resentment in children can be a subtle yet powerful emotion, often hidden beneath their everyday behaviours. Unlike overt anger, silent resentment is internalised, and a child may not directly express their feelings of hurt or frustration. Instead, the resentment may manifest as withdrawal, passive-aggressive behaviours, or disengagement. Recognising these signals is crucial because unresolved resentment can lead to emotional distancing and a breakdown in communication. 

Common signs of silent resentment can include a change in your child’s usual behaviour, such as becoming more sulky, quiet, or uncooperative. They might become less communicative, either avoiding conversations or giving short, uninterested responses. You might also notice them engaging in passive resistance, such as refusing to follow simple requests. Resentment can also manifest through physical signs like clenched fists, avoiding eye contact, or a noticeable change in their body language around you. These signals often indicate that the child is carrying unspoken anger. 

Immediate Steps to Address Silent Resentment 

• Encourage open conversation: Gently ask your child about their feelings, saying something like, ‘I notice you seem upset. Would you like to talk about it?’. 

• Validate their feelings: Even if they do not immediately open up, let them know it is okay to feel frustrated and that you are there to listen. 

• Use empathy: Respond to their emotions with understanding, not judgment. For example, ‘I can see that you are upset, and it is important to me that we understand each other’. 

• Model emotional expression: Demonstrate how to express frustration calmly and respectfully, which helps your child feel safe to do the same. 

These steps can help your child process their feelings without resorting to passive-aggressive behaviour. By creating a space where emotions are acknowledged and discussed openly, you foster stronger emotional connections. 

Spiritual Insight 

In Islam, there is a strong emphasis on avoiding resentment and promoting open, honest communication. Silent resentment can lead to the corrosion of relationships, and Islam teaches that holding onto such negative emotions is harmful both spiritually and emotionally. Instead, Muslims are encouraged to forgive and seek peaceful resolution. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Aalai Imran (3), Verses 134: 

‘ Those (the believers are the ones) that spend (in the way of Allah Almighty) in times of abundance and hardship; they suppress their anger; and are forgiving to people…’ 

This verse highlights the virtue of forgiveness, even when one feels wronged. It encourages us to let go of grudges and avoid harbouring negative feelings, which can poison relationships, including those between a parent and child. 

It is recorded in Jami Tirmidhi, Hadith 2493, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Whoever suppresses his anger, while he is able to act upon it, Allah will call him before all of creation on the Day of Judgement, until He will give him the choice of any of the huris (beautiful women of paradise) that he wishes.’ 

This hadith underscores the spiritual reward for controlling anger and resentment. It serves as a reminder that fostering forgiveness and reconciliation not only improves our relationships but also aligns with Islamic teachings on patience and mercy. 

By addressing silent resentment with empathy and communication, you are not only nurturing a healthier relationship with your child but also acting in accordance with the noble teachings of Islam to cultivate peace and understanding in your family.