What Clues Show Punishment Is Fuelling Resentment Instead of Change? 

Parenting Perspective 

When discipline intended to correct a child’s behaviour begins to backfire, it often produces clear warning signs. Recognising these clues is the first step toward adjusting your approach to one that fosters genuine growth instead of bitterness. 

Repetitive Behaviour and Defiance 

When the same misbehaviour persists despite repeated punishments, it is a strong indicator that the child is not internalising the lesson. Instead of prompting reflection, the discipline may provoke defiance, such as arguing, dismissive gestures, or a tendency to conceal their actions. These reactions suggest the punishment is being actively resisted rather than understood and accepted. 

Emotional Withdrawal and Resentment 

A significant clue is when a child becomes emotionally distant after being disciplined. They might grow withdrawn, avoid interaction, or display an uncharacteristic coldness towards you. While they may comply outwardly, this superficial obedience can mask deep-seated bitterness, indicating that the punishment is eroding trust instead of nurturing character. 

Fear-Based Compliance 

Discipline that relies on fear without providing clear guidance is likely to foster resentment. If a child’s obedience is conditional on your presence and they show no independent effort to improve, the punishment is teaching them avoidance rather than responsibility. Without being shown a positive alternative, the child can feel trapped, which cultivates frustration instead of fostering genuine growth. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam guides parents to use discipline as a tool for teaching and connection, not for creating distance or emotional harm. The focus is always on guiding the heart with compassion. 

Wisdom Over Harshness in Correction 

The foundation of Islamic guidance is correction delivered with gentleness and wisdom. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Nahal (16), Verses 125: 

‘Invite (people) to (follow) the (prescribed) pathways of your Sustainer with wisdom, and polite enlightened direction, and only argue with them in the politest manner…’ 

This verse clarifies that correction should be an invitation towards betterment, framed with thoughtful words and a gentle approach. This method helps a child feel directed and supported, rather than criticised and rejected. 

The Prophetic Model of Merciful Discipline 

The life of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ provides the ultimate example of leading with mercy. 

It is recorded in Jami Tirmidhi, Hadith 1921, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘He is not one of us who does not show mercy to our young ones, and respect to our elders.’ 

This prophetic teaching clarifies that mercy must always underpin correction. When discipline lacks this compassion, it may control behaviour temporarily but risks damaging the parent-child bond and planting deep-seated resentment. Therefore, if punishment leads to emotional distance or fear-based compliance, it has ceased to fulfil its true purpose. By modelling mercy and pairing correction with guidance, parents can ensure discipline nurtures lasting change.