How do I give instructions when my child is already upset and not hearing my words? 

Parenting Perspective 

When your child is overwhelmed by their feelings, whether crying or shouting, it can seem as though even your calmest words are unable to reach them. You might repeat yourself or try to explain, but still get no response. In that moment, this is not a sign of disobedience, but of emotional flooding. A child who is in a state of distress cannot process language effectively. They first need an emotional connection before any instruction can register. Guiding an upset child requires the right timing, a gentle tone, and empathy. 

Step 1: Pause and Co-Regulate 

When your child is visibly upset, adding more words can feel like adding more noise. It is best to pause your instructions and focus on co-regulation, which means helping them to calm down through your own sense of calm. Lower your tone, soften your facial expression, and slow your breathing. You might say, ‘I can see you are very upset right now. Let us just take a quiet moment together.’ Your silent, calm presence can be more powerful than any speech. When your own body is calm, your child’s nervous system can begin to mirror yours. 

Step 2: Acknowledge the Emotion First 

Children are able to listen once they feel they have been understood. It is important to replace logic with empathy in your initial response. You could say, ‘You really wanted that to happen, and it is hard when things do not go our way,’ or, ‘You are upset because you did not get what you wanted. I understand that feeling.’ This does not mean you are agreeing with their position; it simply shows that you recognise their emotional state. The moment they feel seen, their emotional tension can begin to decrease, and their ability to comprehend will rise. 

Step 3: Use Fewer Words and More Presence 

When emotions are running high, long explanations can be overwhelming. It is better to simplify your instructions into short, clear phrases, such as, ‘Let us sit down now,’ or, ‘Take a deep breath.’ Your calm presence will teach them more than your logic ever could in that moment. Once a sense of calm has returned, you can revisit the situation more reasonably, perhaps by saying, ‘Now that we are both calm, let us figure out what to do next.’ 

Step 4: Reflect on the Moment Later 

It is best to discuss what happened after the wave of emotion has passed. Children learn most effectively through reflection, not in the middle of a reaction. You could say, ‘Earlier, you were so upset that you could not hear me. That happens to everyone sometimes. Next time you feel that way, we will remember to pause and breathe before we talk.’ This approach helps to build their long-term emotional regulation skills. 

Step 5: Maintain Calm Boundaries 

Even as you show empathy, it is important to hold your boundaries firm. Calmness is not surrender; it is a sign of stability. You can say, ‘I know you are angry, but we must still speak to each other kindly,’ or, ‘We can talk about this once your voice is calm.’ Boundaries that are spoken gently remain powerful, teaching respect without the need for harshness. 

Spiritual Insight 

Moments when your child is too upset to hear you are not signs of failure. They are opportunities for you to embody rahmah (mercy) and sabr (patience). In Islam, patience in communication is an act of worship, a reflection of a divine gentleness in times of distress. When you lower your voice, wait for calm, and guide your child softly, you are mirroring the way our faith teaches us to approach conflict: not with pressure, but with peace. 

The Power of Calm Communication in the Quran 

The Quran teaches that a soft and gentle tone has the power to open hearts far more effectively than an authoritative one. This is a beautiful reminder for a parent addressing their beloved child in a moment of distress. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Taaha (20), Verse 44: 

‘“But speak to him (Pharaoh) in a polite manner, so that he may realise, or be in awe (of what you are relating to him)”.’ 

Your calm voice, even in a moment of tension, becomes the language of mercy that leads to understanding. 

The Prophetic Example of Responding to Emotion 

The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ redefined strength, teaching that it is not found in dominance over others, but in mastery over oneself. 

It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, Hadith 6114, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The strong person is not the one who can overpower others in wrestling, but the one who controls himself when angry.’ 

When you respond to your child’s upset with composure instead of a desire for control, you are practising a prophetic strength. Your own restraint becomes your child’s most powerful lesson in emotional regulation. 

In those moments when your child cannot hear your words, remember that your calm is the message. You are teaching them that your love for them remains steady even through their emotional storms, that gentleness can coexist with firm limits, and that their feelings are not enemies, but signals that require compassion. Over time, your child will learn that listening begins not with the ears, but with the heart, and they will remember that their first teacher in calmness was you.