How do I handle comparisons like “you are the dumb one” or “you are the messy one”? 

Parenting Perspective 

Few things are more disheartening than hearing one child label another with words like “the dumb one” or “the messy one.” While these remarks may seem casual, they can inflict lasting emotional harm. Children tend to internalise labels, both the ones they hear and the ones they use. When siblings engage in this kind of comparison, it can shape self-worth and fuel rivalry. The goal for a parent is not only to stop the insults but also to protect each child’s dignity, address the insecurity behind the words, and replace comparison with compassion. 

Understanding the Insecurity Behind the Words 

Hurtful comparisons are often a sign of insecurity, not a reflection of reality. The child using these labels may be feeling overlooked or threatened, seeking a sense of power by putting someone else down. It can feel easier to diminish another person than to build oneself up. Recognising this does not excuse the behaviour, but it allows you to guide your children with understanding rather than simply punishing them. The task is to meet the needs of both: one requires reassurance, and the other needs to learn restoration. 

Immediate and Calm Intervention 

You must step in the moment a hurtful label is used. Your tone should be calm but absolute, making it clear that such behaviour is unacceptable. 

You can say, ‘We do not label people in this home. Everyone has their own strengths, and everyone is still learning.’ It is important to avoid responding with a comparison of your own, such as, ‘Well, you are not perfect either,’ as this only reinforces the same negative pattern. Instead, anchor the boundary in your family’s core values: respect, kindness, and fairness. 

Restoring the Dignity of the Targeted Child 

Turn to the child who was insulted and affirm them clearly and publicly. 

For example, ‘That was an unkind thing to say, and it is not true. You are capable and you are learning every day.’ Your words will help to repair their dignity on the spot. Later, you can talk with them privately to help process their feelings. Remind them that another person’s words do not define their worth. This reassurance builds resilience against hurtful opinions. 

Guiding the Other Child Towards Empathy 

Once things have calmed down, speak privately with the child who made the comment. Avoid shaming them; instead, focus on cultivating empathy. 

• ‘What made you want to say that?’ 

• ‘How do you imagine your sibling felt when they heard those words?’ 

Guide them to imagine being spoken to in the same way. Explain that power built on causing hurt will destroy trust, and that real confidence comes from lifting others up. You can then encourage a positive action by saying, ‘I would like you to find one kind thing to say to your sibling today.’ Teaching repair builds emotional maturity more effectively than punishment alone. 

Cultivating a Culture of Appreciation 

Start a regular family practice of naming individual strengths without ranking them. For instance: 

• ‘You have so much patience when you are working on puzzles.’ 

• ‘You have a gift for making us laugh when things feel tense.’ 

• ‘You notice when things are out of place; that is a great eye for detail.’ 

This practice of equal recognition prevents children from feeling as though they must compete for their identity. It allows everyone to shine in their own unique way. 

Modelling Non-Comparative Language 

Children often mirror the language they hear from adults. If parents frequently make comments like, ‘Your brother is much tidier,’ or, ‘Your sister studies harder,’ siblings will adopt the same comparative language. Review your own phrasing, as even unintentional comparisons can sow seeds of rivalry. Replace them with specific, individual praise, such as, ‘I love how much you are improving at keeping your desk tidy,’ or, ‘You worked very hard on your homework today.’ 

Children who feel seen and valued as individuals have no need to put others down. When dignity is protected equally, competition gives way to cooperation. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam teaches that comparing people based on worldly measures such as intellect, appearance, or skill is contrary to the principles of humility and fairness. Every individual is uniquely honoured by Allah Almighty. Teaching children to recognise each other’s worth without resorting to comparison is a vital part of raising them with ihsan (excellence) and taqwa (God-consciousness). 

Equality and Honour in the Quran 

The Quran reminds us that Allah Almighty measures a person’s worth not by their abilities or talents, but by the sincerity and goodness of their heart. When we stop our children from comparing and mocking each other, we are teaching this divine principle. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Hujuraat (49), Verse 13: 

‘O mankind, indeed, We (Allah Almighty) have created you all from one man and one woman; and placed you amongst various nations and tribes for your introduction to each other; indeed, the best of you in the judgement of Allah (Almighty) is the one who is most virtuous…’ 

Prophetic Teachings on Brotherhood and Dignity 

True brotherhood, and by extension siblinghood, is built on mutual protection, not competition. The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ nurtured a community that was free of belittling and labels, where love replaced rivalry. 

It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2564, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘A Muslim is the brother of a Muslim: he does not oppress him, nor does he look down upon him, nor does he insult him.’ 

When you uphold these values in your home, you are creating a small reflection of that prophetic compassion. 

When your children use insults and comparisons, it is an opportunity to build moral depth, not just to correct behaviour. By intervening firmly, protecting dignity, and teaching empathy, you show them that words carry moral weight. 

Over time, they will learn that confidence does not require someone else’s failure, and that real strength is found in lifting others up. Your home can become a space where identity is celebrated, not compared, and where every voice matters. In that peace, your children learn the essence of Islamic character: that the true measure of a person lies not in labels, but in the quiet nobility of kindness.