What do I do when grandparents over-treat and patience unravels later? 

Parenting Perspective 

It is a familiar family dilemma: grandparents who shower their grandchildren with love through an abundance of sweets, gifts, and exceptions to every rule. You may watch as your carefully constructed routines dissolve in a single afternoon, and by the evening, your child’s patience is gone, leading to sugar-fuelled highs, bedtime tears, or a defiance that follows the generosity. It can feel as though you are starting from scratch every time. However, what is happening is not a form of sabotage, but of love that is expressed without limits. Grandparents often express their affection in the way their generation learned best: through giving, not always through guiding. 

Your goal is not to stop the generosity, but to create a sense of balance, honouring their love while also protecting your child’s emotional regulation. Children thrive on both affection and structure; too much of one without the other can be unsettling for them. The art lies in teaching your child how to handle abundance with grace, and in gently helping the grandparents to see that boundaries can deepen, not diminish, the joy of their relationship. 

Understanding Why Over-Treating Happens 

For many grandparents, the act of giving is a form of memory, connection, and joy. Every extra biscuit or new toy says, ‘I love you.’ However, for a child, too much stimulation, especially from sugar or the novelty of new things, can overload their senses, making it hard for them to settle down afterwards. The challenge, then, is not the love itself, but helping that love to land softly. A simple phrase like, ‘Grandparents’ love is something that fills your heart, not just your tummy,’ can help to keep the affection intact while rebalancing the focus of the visit. 

How to Restore Calm and Protect Your Routines 

• Acknowledge the love first, then add the structure. Instead of scolding anyone, you can affirm the grandparents’ intention: ‘They give you these treats because they adore you.’ Then you can add, ‘Our job is to enjoy these treats without feeling unwell or overtired later on.’ 

• Use the ‘Yes, Later’ technique. When your child asks for yet another sweet treat after a visit, you can say, ‘That is a lovely idea. We will enjoy that one tomorrow.’ This preserves the gift’s emotional warmth while inserting a gentle and necessary delay. 

• Create a ‘Grandparent Treat Box’. You can keep some of the items from their visits aside to be enjoyed over several days. Letting your child choose one item each day helps to turn a feeling of indulgence into one of welcome structure. 

• Prepare your child before the visits. You can brief your child with a sense of calm clarity: ‘Grandma will probably offer lots of treats today. You can choose two to enjoy while we are there, and we will save the rest for later.’ Boundaries always feel safer when they are set before the emotions of the moment kick in. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam beautifully balances the command of birr al-walidayn (honouring parents and elders) with our own personal responsibility. We are taught to show love, gratitude, and respect to our elders, but also to live our own lives with wisdom and moderation. Teaching your child to receive their grandparents’ love kindly, yet to manage it with self-control, is a reflection of this delicate balance. 

Honouring Elders While Maintaining Balance 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Israa (17), Verse 23: 

‘ And your Sustainer has decreed that you do not worship anyone except Him Alone; And (treat) parents favourably; whether one of them or both of them reach old age in your lifetime; then do not say to either of them ‘Uff’ (an expression of disrespectful frustration) and do not  admonish them; and talk to them with kind words.‘ 

This verse reminds us that kindness and respect are the foundation of a healthy family life. When you navigate the issue of over-treating with gentleness, appreciating the love behind the gesture while still guiding your child’s behaviour, you are teaching them the art of respectful balance. 

The Prophetic Teaching on Balance and Wisdom in Family Life 

It is recorded in Mishkaat Al Masaabih, Hadith 3252, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The best of you are those who are best to their families, and I am the best of you to my family.’ 

This hadith captures the essence of a balanced love, an affection that is rooted in wisdom. The holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ showed a deep tenderness towards both children and elders, yet his care was always guided by gentleness and moderation. When you teach your child to receive their grandparents’ love with gratitude, but to enjoy it in a balanced way, you are following this prophetic example of nurturing connection without creating chaos.