How to Stop Kids ‘Keeping Score’ When Helping 

Parenting Perspective 

From ‘Keeping Score’ to a Family Culture of Helping 

It is natural for siblings to keep track of who does more and who does less. Children often measure fairness in terms of equal exchanges, so when your eldest feels that help is not being returned, it can sound like resentment. As a parent, your role is to shift their perspective from ‘keeping score’ to seeing helping as part of the family culture. 

Acknowledge Feelings and Set Clear Expectations 

Begin by acknowledging your eldest’s feelings. You might say, ‘I understand it feels unfair when you help, but he does not. Let us work on making sure everyone contributes.’ This validates their frustration without dismissing it. Next, set clear expectations for both children. For example, agree that each child has responsibilities that match their age and ability. This way, your eldest sees that help is expected from everyone, not just from them. 

Model Reciprocal, Not Transactional, Help 

It also helps to model the idea of service yourself. When you do something for your children, mention that helping one another is how families work together. Say, ‘I helped you today with your homework, and now you can help your brother with tidying up.’ Framing helping as reciprocal but not transactional builds the sense that everyone has a role to play. 

Create Moments of Teamwork 

You can also create moments where siblings work together on the same task rather than one feeling burdened. If they tidy up together or prepare something side by side, it feels like teamwork instead of an obligation. Praise the spirit of cooperation more than the outcome: ‘I am proud of how you both worked as a team.’ This nurtures positive associations with helping. 

Link Helping to Love and Belonging 

Over time, remind them that families are not about keeping accounts but about showing care. The more you link helping to love and belonging, the less it will feel like a chore or competition. 

Spiritual Insight 

Cooperation Is an Act of Righteousness 

Islam places great value on helping one another with sincerity. Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al-Maaidah (5), Verse 2: 

‘…And participate with each other to promote righteousness and piety, and do not collaborate in the committal of any sin or moral transgression….’  

This Verse shows that cooperation is not about comparison but about working together for good. When siblings support each other, they are embodying an act of righteousness that pleases Allah. 

Helping Others Brings Allah’s Help 

It is recorded in Jami al-Tirmidhi, Book 27, Hadith 36, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The servant of Allah continues to be in the help of his brother as long as he is in the help of his brother.’  

This Hadith reminds us that helping others brings Allah’s help in return. Teaching your children that helping their sibling is not just a family duty but also a way of earning Allah’s mercy gives them a higher purpose beyond fairness or competition. 

By combining fairness in household expectations with reminders of Islamic values, you can nurture a spirit of cooperation rooted in love, justice, and worship. Over time, your children will learn that helping is not about who did more, but about building a family that stands together in the sight of Allah.