How to Respond with Calm Authority, Not Anger 

Parenting Perspective 

When you raise your voice before realising, it is often a sign that frustration has built up quietly and then bursts out quickly. The good news is that the very fact you notice this pattern means you already care deeply about changing it. Authority does not come from loudness but from consistency, fairness, and the calm presence a child can rely on. 

Insert a Small Pause 

The first step is to insert a small pause between your child’s action and your response. This does not need to be long. You might take one slow breath, lower your tone intentionally, or even physically step back for a moment. These tiny pauses give you a chance to move from reacting to responding. 

Prepare Phrases in Advance 

Another helpful practice is to prepare phrases you can use in the heat of the moment. For example, instead of raising your voice immediately, you could say firmly, ‘I need you to stop and listen,’ or ‘We will talk about this in a moment.’ These short sentences help establish authority without escalating emotion. 

Reflect Afterwards 

It is also important to reflect afterwards. If you notice you raised your voice unnecessarily, you can go back to your child and acknowledge it: ‘I was upset and raised my voice, but I want to try again more calmly.’ This models humility and shows your child that even parents are learning self-control. In the long run, your consistent efforts will teach your child that strength is not about shouting, but about managing strong feelings with dignity. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam places great value on controlling anger, reminding us that restraint is a sign of strength. 

A Reminder That Allah Loves Those Who Restrain Anger 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Aalai Imran (3), verses 133–134: 

‘And compete to seek forgiveness from your Sustainer, and to the Gardens (of Paradise) the width of which (is equivalent to) the layers of trans-universal existence and the Earth; prepared for those who have attained piety. Those (the believers are the ones) that spend (in the way of Allah Almighty) in times of abundance and hardship; they suppress their anger; and are forgiving to people; and Allah (Almighty) loves those who are benevolent.’ 

This Verse shows that restraining anger is not just a personal virtue, but one of the qualities of those loved by Allah Almighty. For a parent, choosing calm over shouting becomes an act of worship and a means of earning His love. 

The Prophetic Model: Calm Authority is More Powerful 

It is recorded in Al Adab Al-Mufrad that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The strong man is not the one who throws people down, but the strong man is the one who controls himself when he is angry.’ 

[Al Adab Al Mufrad,57:1] 

This hadith reframes strength, reminding us that calm authority is more powerful than forceful reaction. When a parent pauses, lowers their voice, and responds with measured firmness, they are embodying prophetic strength. 

By practising short pauses, choosing measured words, and remembering that calmness is a form of strength beloved to Allah Almighty, you can guide your child with authority that is rooted in both love and discipline. Over time, your child will learn that respect is not commanded by volume but earned through composure and fairness.