Our child runs to rescue us when we fight. How do we stop making them feel responsible for our arguments? 

Parenting Perspective 

Understanding the Behaviour 

When a child intervenes to stop their parents from fighting, this indicates emotional discomfort. The child, whether screaming, shouting, or physically putting oneself between parents, is responding to what appears to be danger – not necessarily physical, but relational. In their opinion, if the two individuals they rely on the most are emotionally unstable, their entire world is unstable. Over time, this cycle trains the child to believe that they must maintain the peace. Instead of focussing on their own growth, they become emotionally hypervigilant, constantly scanning the environment, absorbing adult stress, and feeling responsible for maintaining harmony. Even in early childhood, this can cause worry, people-pleasing, and emotional fatigue. 

A Strategy to End the Cycle 

To end this cycle, the first step is to cease fighting in front of the child, particularly in emotionally charged or chaotic situations. If a disagreement arises while the child is present, pause and calmly state, We will discuss this later. You do not have to worry. This quick reassurance begins to reset their sense of duty. After, remind the child that they are not responsible for their own well-being. That is our job. You are safe and do not need to fix anything. Children must hear this, not merely intuit it. Finally, think as a couple about why these disputes are taking place in front of the child. What resources are required to regulate emotions more privately? Children do not require flawless harmony, but they do need to understand that they are not the glue that holds their parents together. 

Spiritual Insight 

Children were never meant to carry burdens that belong to adults. Islam deeply values this by instilling explicit accountability and protection among families. Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al An’aam (6), Verses 164: 

‘…And no one shall become the bearer of any responsibility, in (carrying) the burden of others…’ 

This timeless truth applies to both heavenly judgement and emotional bounds. A child is not supposed to carry their parents’ quarrel. Their responsibility is not to rescue, mediate, or protect; it is to be loved and safeguarded. It is also recorded in Sahih Bukhari, Hadith 5188, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Everyone of you is a guardian and everyone of you is responsible (for his wards). ‘

When parents own their arguments, seek repair privately, and actively reassure their child, they are doing more than calming a household. They are fulfilling a spiritual trust by keeping the child in their rightful place: safe, emotionally free, and never asked to face burdens that were never theirs.