My child hits or kicks me during a meltdown. How can I train myself to not retaliate, and instead respond in the best way possible? 

Parenting Perspective 

It is a deeply triggering experience to be physically hurt by your own child. Whether it is a slap from a toddler or a kick from an older child, the act can evoke feelings of anger, shame, or helplessness. Any retaliation in that moment is usually driven by instinct rather than intention. However, a response based on self-control is always more effective than one based on reactivity. 

Understanding the Meltdown 

The first step is to recognise that during a meltdown, your child is not thinking logically. They are dysregulated, meaning their system is overwhelmed by emotions like anxiety, frustration, or overstimulation. This understanding does not excuse the action, but it should shape your response. Your immediate goal is not to punish, but to help their nervous system settle while keeping your own under control. 

Setting Calm Physical Boundaries 

Begin by physically protecting yourself without escalating the situation. You can create distance, hold their wrists gently but firmly if required, or state clearly, ‘I will not let you hit me’. It is vital to keep your voice low and your sentences short. Avoid lectures or emotional language, as a child in this state cannot process them. Your calm physical boundaries will teach them far more than angry words ever could. 

Once calm has been restored, it is important to revisit the incident. This helps the child process what happened and allows you to establish a clear consequence: ‘You were feeling very angry, but hurting people is never acceptable. If this happens again, you will lose [a specific privilege]’. This conversation should be brief, consistent, and delivered in a neutral tone. 

Practising a New Response 

To train yourself not to retaliate, you must rehearse a better response outside of the heat of the moment. Visualise the next meltdown. Decide in advance what you will say, how you will move, and what you will do to remain grounded. Practising this when you are calm helps your mind and body learn to react differently when tension rises. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam teaches that we must avoid injustice, even when we have been wronged ourselves. One of the most powerful forms of spiritual maturity is exercising self-discipline, especially in the face of provocation and anger. 

The Strength in Forgiveness 

This verse elevates those who show restraint and pardon others, even when they have every right to be upset. It perfectly describes the spiritual determination parents must cultivate when they are tested by their children’s behaviour. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Ash Shura (42), Verse 43: 

‘And whoever is patient and forgives, indeed, that is of the matters [requiring] determination.‘

The Prophetic Stance on Anger 

The prophetic guidance does not deny the feeling of anger but strongly advises us not to act upon it. When you feel hurt or enraged by your child’s actions but consciously choose not to retaliate, you are embodying this teaching of restraint. 

It is recorded in Sahih Bukhari, Hadith 6116: 

‘A man said to the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ, ‘Advise me!’ The holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said, ‘Do not become angry.’ The man asked (the same) again and again, and the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said in each case, ‘Do not become angry.’‘

By responding with composed strength, you are not being passive. You are demonstrating a level of self-mastery that teaches your child far more than a reactive outburst ever could. In that moment of control, you earn not only their trust but also the reward of Allah Almighty.