How to Stop Feeling Like the Default Parent 

Parenting Perspective 

Feeling like the ‘default parent’ means you are the one who keeps track of it all; school forms, dinner, medical appointments, emotional check-ins, social schedules, and yet, when anything has remained incomplete, you are the one questioned or criticised. It creates a mental and emotional imbalance that can feel deeply unfair. Not only are you doing more, but you are expected to do it flawlessly, while others move freely without the same mental weight. 

It is about emotional invisibility, the sense that your effort is expected, not appreciated, and your mistakes are magnified instead of them being understood. 

Why This Happens 

The ‘default parent’ role usually forms silently. Often, one partner naturally steps in more, perhaps due to personality, availability, or learned roles from their own upbringing. But over time, this default setting becomes an unspoken contract. Everyone assumes you are the one keeping things running, so when a gap appears, it is framed as your failure, not a shared oversight. 

How to Begin Changing the Pattern 

Name it out loud

Have a conversation with your spouse, not in anger, but in clarity. Say something like, ‘I notice I carry the mental checklist for everything. I need us to talk about what shared parenting looks like, so I do not feel alone in this.’ 

Redistribute tasks clearly.

Do not wait for help, assign ownership. For example, ‘Can you be the one to handle school communication every week?’ or ‘I need you to manage Friday meals start to finish.’ Shared parenting requires shared responsibility, not just support. 

Let things go wrong.

If you step back and something gets missed, resist the urge to rescue or fix it silently. Let others feel the weight of what you usually carry. It is uncomfortable, but it creates awareness. 

Stop apologising for human limits.

If something goes wrong despite your best effort, remind yourself: you are not a machine. One dropped ball does not erase a thousand carried ones. 

You do not need to carry it all. You need to stop carrying it alone. 

Spiritual Insight 

In the sight of Allah Almighty, your unseen labour is never unnoticed. You may feel invisible at home, but your efforts are recorded, your exhaustion witnessed, and your patience elevated, even when others overlook it. 

An Atom’s Weight of Good 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Zalzalah (99), verse 7: 

“Thus, everyone’s actions equivalent to the measurement of an atom that is good shall be observed by them (on the Day of judgement).” 

The Verse here mentions an ‘atom’ which is tiny enough to measure so the justice in Islam prevails over everything precisely. Then the daily effort you put which is a meal, folded laundry basket are all seen. All the worry and stress you face and the effort you put in your work is seen and considerable in Islam.   

Divine Justice 

It is recorded in Sahih Muslim that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

“Allah is not unjust to anyone. Even the weight of a mustard seed…” 

[Sahih Muslim, 2699] 

This means that while you may feel overlooked by those around you, the One who truly matters sees every burden you carry, and every time you bite your tongue or hold your home together quietly. 

Spiritual validation does not mean you must accept imbalance. Islam honours justice within the home. It encourages consultation, fairness, and shared responsibility between spouses. Speak up, not from resentment, but from the belief that your wellbeing matters as it does in reality. You are not failing. You are functioning under weight. And it is time that weight was named, shared, and rebalanced, with clarity, courage, and trust in the One who sees it all.