Why does my child seem to have tantrums only with me and not others?
Parenting Perspective
Many parents find themselves in a confusing situation: their child acts nicely with others, like teachers or family members, but shows their most intense emotions at home. Although this situation might seem frustrating or even painful, it is, in fact, a typical and insightful behaviour for development. Kids often express their strongest feelings in environments where they feel secure and fully accepted. The home setting, particularly having a main carer, provides a feeling of safety. A child’s outbursts in front of a parent usually show their ability to express strong emotions, rather than a disregard for rules or respect.
Routines and expectations may vary in different settings, which can help children manage their behaviour more effectively for a time. Educational institutions and childcare environments typically provide steady routines, examples from peers, and well-defined outcomes for behaviour. At home, children may push boundaries more often as they are still developing their ability to manage emotions and are more deeply connected to their parents. Instead of viewing this as a failure in parenting, it can be seen as an opportunity to reinforce boundaries with kindness and understanding. Consistently responding instead of withdrawing emotionally or criticising helps promote the child’s emotional well-being in the long run.
Spiritual Insight
The noble Quran provides deep insight into the mercy and understanding required in our roles as caregivers. Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Israa (17), Verse 24:
‘And spread over them (your) auspices with humility and mercy; (and plead for them and) say: “O my Sustainer, have mercy (and forgiveness) on both of them, because they have nurtured me when I was a child”.’ This verse, while aimed at children regarding their parents, captures the essence of kindness and support that is fundamental to the relationship between parents and children. It emphasises that care, patience, and humility are important qualities to have when managing family relationships, especially during emotionally charged situations.
Moreover, it is recorded in Jami Tirmidhi, Hadith 1921, that holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ stated: ‘He is not one of us who does not have mercy upon our young, respect our elders, and command good and forbid evil.’ This Hadith highlights that showing mercy is an important principle in the teachings of the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ. A parent who faces the emotional challenge of a child’s tantrum is not weak; they are demonstrating strength through patience and emotional control. Tantrums that happen at home provide a chance to demonstrate calm and caring discipline in a secure environment where a child can learn. Setting clear boundaries while demonstrating empathy helps children learn that their feelings are valid, but they should be communicated in a respectful manner. Believing that Allah Almighty observes and rewards quiet endurance helps parents fulfil this challenging role with a sense of purpose and optimism for the future.
