When my child says I am bad or I am a bad kid. How do I stop discipline from becoming self-loathing? 

Parenting Perspective 

Understanding the Reaction 

When a child responds to correction by identifying themselves as ‘bad,’ it is a warning sign that discipline is being internalised as guilt rather than guidance. This does not inherently imply that you have been severe; it may merely indicate that your child is sensitive, excessively self-critical, or has yet to distinguish acts from identity. The objective is to assist your child in understanding that committing an error does not equate to becoming a horrible individual. 

A Strategy to Separate Behaviour from Identity 

Commence by replying promptly yet composedly: No, you are not at fault. You made an erroneous decision, and we are rectifying it collaboratively. Do not disregard the comment, and refrain from excessive feelings of guilt or worry. Your tone must be consistent – assertive yet empathetic. Once the scenario has concluded, engage in reflection with your child using language suitable for their age. All individuals err. Including adults. What is significant is that we acquire knowledge and make another attempt. This underscores the notion that discipline pertains to development rather than identity. Provide assurance through actions rather than mere verbal expressions. Consistently allocate individual time with your child to ensure they feel confident in your acceptance beyond disciplinary instances. When your child errs and you provide correction, thereafter offer authentic commendation: That was very considerate of you. This facilitates the restoration of emotional equilibrium and provides a more precise self-perception. Evaluate your disciplinary language. Refrain from making identity-defining assertions such as You are impolite or You consistently disregard. Instead, concentrate on the behaviour: That was unkind or You did not adhere to the instructions just now. The child should perceive their actions as the issue, rather than their intrinsic value. Additionally, refrain any sarcasm, eye-rolling, or emotional detachment. These may appear nuanced to adults but can be profoundly injurious to a child striving for self-understanding. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam says that every individual possesses fitrah – an inherent, unblemished character. A child is not inherently malevolent. They are acquiring knowledge, encountering difficulties, and evolving. Our responsibility as parents is to guide the course, not to stifle the spirit. Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Az Zumar (39), Verse 53: 

“Say, ‘O My servants who have transgressed against themselves, do not despair of the mercy of Allah.’ “

This verse underscores that significant transgressions do not determine an individual’s value – how much less so do a child’s minor errors? It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2658, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

“Every child is born upon the fitrah (natural disposition). “

This Hadith emphasises that children possess an intrinsic goodness; correction should restore them to their optimal selves rather than instill doubt about their innate virtue. By distinguishing behaviour from identity and demonstrating that errors contribute to personal development, one fosters self-awareness devoid of self-loathing. Your child understands that receiving correction does not diminish their worth; rather, it affirms their humanity and the affection they receive.