When frustrated, I tend to bring up my spouse’s past mistakes. Could this be considered a form of hidden gheebah in front of our child? 

Parenting Perspective 

Yes, repeatedly bringing up your spouse’s past mistakes in front of your child, especially during moments of frustration, can quietly erode not only your partner’s dignity but also your child’s understanding of respect, mercy, and trust. The act of reviving old faults sends a powerful message: that a person is defined more by their mistakes than by their growth. A child witnessing this may internalise the idea that love is conditional, that forgiveness is not real, and that past errors can always be used as weapons in a conflict. This can also place the child in an uncomfortable position, feeling torn between their parents while absorbing a tone of blame and scorekeeping as normal. Over time, this risks fostering anxiety and a habit of judging others harshly. 

How emotional rehashing shapes a child’s worldview 

Parenting involves not only what we directly teach but also what we normalise through our behaviour. When a child repeatedly sees past mistakes being resurrected during arguments, they may learn that emotional safety is fragile and that mistakes linger forever. To change this pattern, you can begin to practise emotional closure aloud. You might say, “We have had difficult moments in the past, but I am choosing to focus on where we are today.” This models both maturity and the redemptive power of trust. If you do happen to slip and revisit the past, you can acknowledge it honestly: “I should not have brought that up; it is in the past.” Such small acts of repair can teach a more profound lesson than a façade of perfection ever could. 

Spiritual Insight 

In the Islamic tradition, reminding someone of their past sins after they have repented is deeply discouraged. It borders on gheebah (backbiting) and humiliation, especially when done with an intent to hurt. While gheebah traditionally refers to speaking ill of someone in their absence, the principle can be extended to include ‘emotional backbiting,’ which is the act of revisiting someone’s past wrongs to undermine them in the present. The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ never used a person’s past against them. Even with companions who had made serious mistakes, his focus was always on moving forward with dignity and hope. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Noor (24), Verse 22: 

‘….And forgive (their mistakes) and overlook (their weaknesses); do you not love the fact that Allah (Almighty) may forgive you?… ‘

This beautiful verse calls on us to rise above resentment, not because the other person is flawless, but because we ourselves are in constant need of Allah’s mercy for our own flaws. 

It is recorded in Sunan Abu Dawood, Hadith 4893, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Whoever conceals [the faults of] a Muslim, Allah will conceal his faults on the Day of Resurrection. ‘

Exposing a spouse’s past mistakes, even subtly, in the presence of your children directly contradicts this prophetic ethic of protection and concealment. Therefore, bringing up old wounds in front of your child not only models poor emotional boundaries but also treads dangerously close to causing spiritual harm. However, every time you hold your tongue, choose grace over grievance, and show your child that true forgiveness includes restraint, you raise them to value dignity over dominance. You help create a home where love is always stronger than a painful memory.