What works when my child refuses to return borrowed items? 

When a child refuses to return a borrowed item, the issue is typically not simple greed, but rather an attachment to the item’s story, the feeling of control, or the power of temporary possession. Effective parenting addresses this emotional resistance by establishing trust, accountability, and the spiritual value of keeping one’s promises. 

Parenting Perspective 

The key to resolving this issue is to understand the resistance before enforcing the return, reframing the act of returning as an act of honour and trust. 

Understanding the Emotional Resistance 

Begin by seeking to understand the child’s perspective calmly. Ask a non-judgemental question to uncover the underlying feeling. 

• Ask: “What makes it hard to give this back?” 

• The typical responses (“It is so cool,” or “I am scared they will not share again”) are windows into insecurity, not sheer defiance. 

• Listening first shows the child that fairness and empathy can coexist. 

Defining Fairness as Strength 

Reframe the act of returning as honourable and a source of pride, rather than a disappointing loss. 

• Reframe the Message: Say, “Real friends borrow, return, and get trusted again.” 

• Increase Visibility: Create a simple Borrow Board at home listing the item, owner, borrow date, and due date. 

• Celebrate Reliability: When returns happen, tick them off and celebrate reliability: “You brought back Aisha’s book on time — that builds trust.” 

• Set Consequences: If refusal continues, set gentle but firm consequences: no new borrowing until all returns are cleared. 

Using Calm Restitution, Not Force 

Avoid grabbing the item or engaging in public confrontation. Instead, involve the child in the process of giving back. 

• Guide them to clean the borrowed item, write a short thank-you, or wrap it neatly. 

• If resistance persists, deliver the item together and model humility: “We are returning this late. Thank you for lending it.” 

• Seeing you treat others’ property with respect plants the same positive habit in them. 

Linking Borrowing to Privilege and Accountability 

State the rule clearly and apply proportional consequences when it is broken. 

• The Rule: “Borrowing means returning — no return, no new borrow.” 

• If they break the rule, pause all new loans for a set period, but keep your tone even and matter-of-fact. 

• Reinstating the privilege after a week of reliable behaviour teaches that trust can always be rebuilt. 

Building Empathy Through Role Reversal 

Empathy is the foundation of respectful behaviour; role-playing helps to solidify the meaning of ownership. 

• Let your child lend one of their own cherished items for a day to you or a sibling. 

• Ask them later: “How did it feel waiting for it back?” This role reversal deepens empathy better than any lecture. 

Spiritual Insight 

The Islamic concept of Amanah (Trust) provides the profound moral and spiritual weight needed to reinforce accountability. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Mu’minoon (23), Verses 8: 

‘And those people who are responsible in the execution of all matters entrusted to them…’ 

The Borrowed Item as a Trust (Amanah) 

This verse describes the believers Allah Almighty praises—those who guard promises and return what they owe. 

• Explain that a borrowed toy, book, or gadget is a trust (amanah). 

• Returning it is not merely polite; it is an act of faithfulness to Allah Almighty. 

It is recorded in Sunan Abu Dawood, Hadith 3534, that the holy Prophet Muhammad $ﷺ$ said: 

“Render back the trust to the one who entrusted you, and do not betray the one who betrays you.” 

Upholding Truthfulness 

Even when others are careless or forgetful, Islam calls us to be trustworthy. 

• Tell your child gently: “Each time you return something on time, Allah writes you among the truthful.” 

• Use this as a quiet, internal motivation rather than a harsh lecture. 

Making Trust a Family Culture 

• Place a small sign at home reading: “Amanah means we return what we borrow.” 

• Reinforce this through stories of the holy Prophet Muhammad $ﷺ$’s unparalleled honesty. 

• Praise siblings who uphold this commitment. Borrowing then becomes less about property and more about building a heart that honours trust. 

When your child sees that returning things earns dignity, safety, and your calm pride, the refusal softens. You are no longer policing items; you are shaping integrity. In every small return, they practise a piece of faith, learning that honesty outlasts ownership, and that trust once kept becomes a jewel in Allah Almighty’s sight.