Parenting Perspective 

Fairness is at the heart of healthy family dynamics, and when one child feels they have been given an unfair advantage, it can create resentment and a sense of injustice. Accidental advantages, whether in the form of extra attention or privileges, can lead to sibling rivalry and erode trust. Repairing fairness requires a careful approach that acknowledges the unintentional harm and restores balance. By taking responsibility and actively correcting the situation, you can rebuild trust and foster a sense of equity within your family. 

Acknowledge the Mistake and Apologise 

The first step is to acknowledge the advantage that was given and take responsibility for it. It is important to recognise how your actions may have made one child feel overlooked, even if it was unintentional. 

• What to do: Begin by saying something like, ‘I realise that I gave you more attention than your sibling, and I am really sorry for making that mistake. It was not intentional, but I understand how it must have felt unfair.’ 

• Why it works: Acknowledging the mistake shows your children that you are aware of the imbalance. A genuine apology helps to repair the hurt and opens the door to healing. 

Balance the Advantages and Provide Equal Opportunities 

Once the mistake is acknowledged, take immediate steps to restore balance. If one child has received extra privileges, it is important to level the playing field by offering similar opportunities to the other child. 

• What to do: You could say, ‘I realise that I have been giving extra privileges to one of you, and I want to make sure both of you feel equally valued. From now on, I will ensure that both of you have the same opportunities.’ 

• Why it works: Equal treatment is key to restoring fairness. By actively addressing the imbalance, you show that you are committed to fairness. 

Create Open Dialogue and Encourage Honest Communication 

After acknowledging the issue, it is important to open the lines of communication. Encourage your children to express how they feel about the situation and how the perceived unfairness affected them. 

• What to do: Have a calm conversation where you ask both children to share their feelings. For example, ‘I know I made a mistake by treating you both differently. How do you both feel about this, and what can I do to make it right?’ 

• Why it works: Inviting feedback helps your children feel heard and gives them a role in resolving the issue. 

Reinforce Individual Strengths 

Another important step is to celebrate each child’s individuality. Sometimes the perceived advantage comes from recognising one child’s talents more than another’s. 

• What to do: Focus on acknowledging each child’s strengths equally. For example, ‘I am so proud of how hard you both work, and I appreciate the unique qualities each of you brings to our family.’ 

• Why it works: Celebrating each child’s uniqueness helps both children feel valued for who they are, rather than in comparison to one another. 

Set Clear and Fair Expectations Moving Forward 

Finally, once the repair process has begun, it is essential to set clear, fair expectations for the future. Consistency in how you manage privileges, rewards, and responsibilities is key. 

• What to do: Establish rules that are consistent for both children and apply them fairly. You might say, ‘From now on, I will make sure that any privileges or rewards are given equally.’ 

• Why it works: Clear expectations promote consistency, and consistency helps your children feel secure and treated equally. 

Spiritual Insight 

The Importance of Equality and Fairness 

The noble Quran reminds us of the importance of equality and fairness in relationships, including within the family. By not comparing or favouring one over another, we show respect for Allah’s creation of each individual. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Hujuraat (49), Verse 11: 

‘ Those of you who are believers, do not let a nation ridicule another nation, as perhaps it may be that they are better than them…’ 

Fairness within the family is a reflection of this divine principle, where we value each child’s unique contributions without prejudice. 

The Responsibility of Justice 

The teachings of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ emphasize the importance of fairness and justice, especially when entrusted with the care and upbringing of children. When we ensure fairness in how we treat our children, we reflect the principles of justice. 

It is recorded in Mishkaat Al Masaabih, Hadith 3687, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Beware! Whoever is in charge of people and does not act with fairness toward them will not smell the fragrance of Paradise.’ 

By acknowledging any imbalance, apologising sincerely, and taking active steps to restore fairness, you can repair any rift caused by giving one child an advantage.