What steps can keep my fears from shaping how I discipline? 

Parenting Perspective 

When a parent disciplines from a place of fear, perhaps a fear of their child ‘going astray’ or of ‘repeating old family mistakes’, their discipline can easily become harsh, inconsistent, or driven by guilt. Fear has a way of clouding our judgement, and it prevents our discipline from being truly constructive. To protect your child from this, it is important that your discipline comes from a place of clarity, love, and calm boundaries, not from a place of anxiety. 

Name the Underlying Fear 

Before you react to a situation, you can ask yourself, ‘Am I disciplining my child for their actual behaviour, or am I reacting out of a fear of what might happen in the future?’ The simple act of naming the fear helps to reduce its hidden power over you. 

Anchor Your Discipline in Teaching, Not Punishment 

Remind yourself that the root meaning of the word discipline is ‘to teach.’ You can use calm explanations, natural consequences, or a gentle redirection of their energy, rather than resorting to fear-driven punishments. 

Separate Your Past from the Present Moment 

If you feel that fears from your own childhood are influencing your reactions, you can consciously tell yourself, ‘My child is not me. I am raising them now with a different set of tools.’ This can help to prevent you from projecting your old wounds onto them. 

Involve Both Parents in the Discussion 

It is a good practice to talk openly with your spouse about your parenting fears, so that they can be shared and understood, rather than silently shaping your discipline. Presenting a united and calm approach will always be the most reassuring thing for your child. 

Practise Calmness Before Taking Action 

When you feel anger or fear beginning to rise, it is important to pause. Take a deep breath, step aside for a brief moment if you need to, and only then proceed with the act of discipline. This simple habit can help to prevent you from overreacting. 

By choosing to discipline from a place of guidance rather than from a place of fear, you can help to protect your child’s self-esteem and allow them to learn their lessons without absorbing your anxieties. 

Spiritual Insight 

Justice, Mercy, and Wisdom in Discipline 

Islam calls for justice, mercy, and wisdom in all of our dealings, and this is especially true when it comes to our children. A form of discipline that is shaped by a parent’s fear runs the risk of being unjust, whereas a discipline that is rooted in calm guidance is a reflection of the mercy of Allah. 

The Command to Act with Justice 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Nisa (4), Verses 58: 

‘Indeed, Allah (Almighty) commands you to execute all trusts to their rightful owners; and when you (are asked to) judge between people, that you should judge with justice…’ 

This verse reminds us that the act of disciplining our children is a sacred trust (amanah), and that it must always be carried out with a sense of fairness, not from a place of fear. 

The Prophetic Love for Gentleness 

It is recorded in Sunan Ibn Majah, Hadith 3689, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Allah is gentle and loves gentleness in all matters.’ 

This hadith teaches us that our discipline should always reflect the quality of gentleness, because a harshness that is driven by our own fear contradicts this beautiful prophetic guidance. When you are able to ground your discipline in the principles of justice and gentleness, you are showing your child that it is love that guides your actions, not anxiety. This helps to create a safe home where they can learn a sense of responsibility without ever fearing rejection, a place where the mercy of Allah is mirrored in your daily parenting.