What should I say when they call themselves a “failure”? 

Parenting Perspective 

Hearing your child call themselves a “failure” can be heartbreaking. These powerful words usually do not arise from a single mistake, but from repeated frustrations that have built up into a harsh self-judgement. Left unchecked, this mindset can seriously harm their self-esteem and motivation. Your role is to challenge that painful belief with compassion, guide them to see their true worth, and help them to separate their identity from outcome. 

Respond With Calm and Compassion 

Avoid the natural instinct to dismiss their words with a quick “Do not say that.” Instead, start by acknowledging the pain behind the statement: 

• ‘I hear that you feel like a failure right now. That must really hurt.’ 

• ‘It sounds like you are incredibly disappointed with yourself at the moment.’ 

This shows them that you are taking their feelings seriously and not simply brushing them aside. 

Separate the Person From the Result 

Help them to see that making mistakes or failing at a task does not define who they are as a person: 

• ‘You are not a failure. You just faced a setback in this particular task.’ 

• ‘Failing at something once does not mean you are a failure as a person.’ 

By drawing this crucial distinction, you help to protect their core sense of self-worth. 

Highlight Their Past Successes and Strengths 

Gently remind them of the times they have achieved things, improved, or shown their positive qualities: 

• ‘Do you remember how you kept practising and finally mastered that difficult maths problem?’ 

• ‘You are always so kind and thoughtful to your friends, and that is a real strength.’ 

This helps them to balance their perspective, allowing them to see themselves as more than just this one disappointing moment. 

Reframe Failure as a Part of Learning 

Explain that failure is not the opposite of success, but is actually an essential part of it: 

• ‘Every successful person you can think of failed many times before they improved and succeeded.’ 

• ‘Each mistake is actually teaching you something new for next time.’ 

This simple but profound shift in focus moves them away from shame and towards a mindset of growth. 

Practical Strategies to Break the “Failure” Label 

• Use reflection questions: Ask, ‘What is one thing we can learn from this experience?’ 

• Celebrate persistence: Offer sincere praise when you see them trying again, especially after a setback. 

• Set small, achievable goals: Help them to see their own progress in small steps, not giant leaps. 

• Model resilience: Share stories of your own failures and explain how you managed to overcome them. 

Over time, with your consistent guidance, they will learn that failure is an event, not an identity. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam teaches us that no human is free from making mistakes, yet none of these mistakes can ever make a person worthless in the eyes of Allah. Failure does not define us; what truly matters is how we respond to it, whether we seek to learn, and how we grow from the experience. Teaching this truth nurtures humility, patience, and hope in your child’s heart. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Zumar (39), Verse 53: 

‘Say (O Prophet Muhammad ﷺ): “O my servants, those of you who have transgressed against yourselves (by committing sin); do not lose hope in the mercy of Allah (Almighty); indeed, Allah (Almighty) shall forgive the entirety of your sins; indeed, He is the Most Forgiving and the Most Merciful”.’ 

This verse shows that even in the gravest of mistakes, Allah Almighty does not label us as failures. Instead, He calls us back to Him with boundless mercy and hope. For a child, this serves as a powerful reminder that no grade, mistake, or academic setback can ever erase their inherent worth. 

It is recorded in Jami Tirmidhi, Hadith 2499, that the holy Prophet Muhammad said: 

‘Every son of Adam sins, and the best of those who sin are those who repent.’ 

This profound teaching normalises mistakes as a part of the human condition. It shows that excellence lies not in being perfect, but in the act of turning back, learning, and trying to improve. For a child, this means that feeling like a “failure” is a temporary state, and the best response is to have the courage to try again. 

By sharing these teachings, you give your child a spiritual anchor. They will see that calling themselves a “failure” is unfair, because Allah Almighty values effort, repentance, and resilience more than flawless results. 

In time, they will learn to replace the harsh internal label of ‘failure’ with a much healthier and more accurate self-view: that they are learners, constantly striving, sometimes stumbling, but always growing in strength, character, and faith.