What should I say when grandparents downplay their disappointment? 

Parenting Perspective 

Grandparents often come from a generation where children were commonly expected to ‘toughen up’ and hide their emotions. When your child is feeling disappointed and a grandparent responds with a phrase like, ‘Do not cry, it is nothing,’ or, ‘We never made such a fuss in our day,’ your child may feel their emotions have been brushed aside. While grandparents usually mean well, their words can unintentionally make a child feel ashamed of their natural feelings. Your role as a parent is to bridge this generational gap by honouring the love of the grandparents while simultaneously protecting your child’s emotional needs. 

Validate Your Child’s Feelings in the Moment 

When your child looks to you for a reaction after a dismissive comment, you can offer them immediate and gentle reassurance. This helps your child to feel safe and understood without creating a direct conflict. 

• ‘I understand that you feel really sad right now, and that is okay.’ 

• ‘Your feelings matter to me, even if others might see it differently.’ 

Gently Reframe the Grandparents’ Words 

Without directly contradicting the grandparent, you can reframe their words in a way that lands more softly on your child and validates their experience. 

• If a grandparent says, ‘It is nothing,’ you can add, ‘What Grandma means is that you will be okay, but it is still fine to feel upset about it now.’ 

• If they say, ‘Do not make a fuss,’ you might respond, ‘We all handle our sadness in different ways. It is okay to let your feelings out.’ 

Speak with the Grandparents in Private 

Later, in a calm and private moment, you can explain to the grandparents why emotional validation is so important for your child’s development. 

• ‘I know you always want to make things easier for them, but when their feelings are dismissed, it can make them shut down and stop sharing.’ 

• Offer them an alternative phrase they could use, such as, ‘I know this is hard, but you are strong enough to get through this.’ 

Teach Your Child to Balance Respect with Self-Worth 

You can also guide your child on how to respond with dignity, helping them to respect their elders while still having confidence in their own emotions. 

• ‘It is okay to feel differently about something than someone who is older than you.’ 

• ‘Even if Grandma does not fully understand why you are upset, your feelings are still real and valid.’ 

Use Family Stories to Bridge the Gap 

Help create understanding across the generations by sharing stories that highlight the grandparents’ own resilience. 

• ‘Grandpa also had to work hard through many disappointments when he was younger. I think that is why he is so keen for you to stay strong.’ 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam beautifully honours both the deep respect that is due to our elders and the gentle mercy that is owed to our children. As a parent, you are tasked with balancing these two important values, ensuring your child feels validated while maintaining the precious bond with their grandparents. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Luqman (31), Verse 14: 

‘And We (Allah Almighty) have decreed upon mankind in regard to his parents; his mother carried him (in pregnancy exposing her to) weakness upon weakness; and his dependent nourishment (from her) for two years; (thus O mankind) be grateful to Me (Allah Almighty) and to your parents, and to Me is (your ultimate) destination.’ 

This verse reminds us of the profound duty of care and gratitude we have towards our parents and, by extension, our grandparents. However, showing this respect does not require us to ignore a child’s fundamental emotional needs. 

It is recorded in Jami Tirmidhi, Hadith 1921, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘He is not one of us who does not show mercy to our young ones and respect to our elders.’ 

This hadith perfectly balances the two responsibilities. It shows that it is possible to affirm your child’s feelings with mercy while still upholding the honour and respect due to their grandparents. By handling such moments with gentleness and wisdom, you model respect across generations. Your child learns that their emotions are valid, even if not everyone understands them, and they also learn how to navigate complex family dynamics with grace.