What should I do when one child dominates shared items? 

Parenting Perspective 

Define the problem as a skills gap, not a character flaw 

Domination often stems from immaturity, anxiety about scarcity, or a habit of seeking attention by holding power. It is important to name the pattern calmly by saying, ‘You are taking most of the shared item, so others cannot use it. In our family, shared things are for taking turns and being fair’. This approach de-personalises the moment, allowing you to teach a skill rather than label a child. 

Make the rules of sharing concrete and visible 

Create a simple, visible plan and post it where sharing often becomes difficult. 

• The When-Finished Rule: No grabbing is allowed. The next person must wait until the current user is finished. 

• Fair Timer: Use a two to five-minute sand timer for high-demand toys or swings so that time, not a parent, dictates the turn. 

• Two-Choice Rotation: The chooser picks one item for now and one for later. The next sibling then gets their now-choice. 

• Parking Shelf: If an argument starts, the item is placed on a high shelf for five minutes while everyone resets. 

Practise these rules during calm moments so they become familiar before emotions are high. 

Offer leadership to replace control 

Give the dominating child a role that channels their energy positively. You could say, ‘You are today’s turn-keeper’ or ‘You are in charge of calling “switch”’. Responsibility can satisfy the need for status without harming others. If dominance reappears, pause the role without drama: ‘Roles can restart when sharing restarts’. 

Protect the quieter child without shaming the other 

Step in early with a neutral tone: ‘Pause. I can see one person holding and one person waiting. The timer is on’. Prevent learned helplessness in the gentler child by giving them words to use, such as, ‘Say, “When you are finished, it is my turn”’. Teach both children to rely on the rules, not your mood, as the referee. 

Use short, clear scripts 

• ‘Shared things mean turns, not control’. 

• ‘The timer is on. When it rings, switch kindly’. 

• ‘You may choose to keep it or trade it, but not to grab it’. 

• ‘If we argue, the toy rests on the shelf’. 

Using consistent scripts keeps your authority steady and predictable, which reduces power struggles. 

Link consequences to repair, not humiliation 

If a child repeatedly hoards or snatches, use a brief and certain response that restores fairness. For example: ‘Because you grabbed, your next turn is skipped. You can repair this by handing the item over kindly when the timer rings’. Keep your tone calm and always show them how they can earn back trust. Certainty is more effective than severity. 

Grow generosity with daily micro-habits 

Acknowledge every small act of sharing: ‘You let your brother finish. That was generous of you’. Add tiny rituals that normalise giving, such as splitting one snack fairly, offering a seat, or making one kind swap each day. When generosity is noticed, children are more likely to repeat it. 

Identify and address the root causes 

Domination often increases when a child is hungry, tired, anxious, or feels overlooked. Pre-empt these situations with a snack, rest, one-to-one connection, or a clear plan for whose turn is first. Meeting the underlying need reduces the urge to control. 

This approach treats both children as learners. You set a clear structure, protect the dignity of each child, and reinforce the identity you want to foster: fair, kind, and able to wait. Over time, the home culture shifts from ‘whoever grabs wins’ to ‘we all get a fair turn’. 

Spiritual Insight 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Hujuraat (49), Verse 10: 

‘Indeed, the believers are brothers (to each other); so, make peace with your brothers; and seek piety from Allah (Almighty) so that you may receive His Mercy.’ 

When siblings clash over shared items, you are not just refereeing toys; you are training their hearts in brotherhood and justice. Help them to reconcile quickly, return what was taken, and restart with fairness. You are planting the habit of making peace for the sake of Allah Almighty, not for the sake of winning. 

It is recorded in Sahih Bukhari, Hadith 13, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘None of you will have faith till he loves for his brother what he loves for himself’. 

Make this the family principle during sharing disputes: ‘If you love this turn for yourself, love a turn for your sibling too’. Invite the dominating child to practise one small act of preferring their sibling, even if it is handing something over thirty seconds early. Tie your praise to this act of preferring a brother or sister. In these tiny choices, faith meets play, and toys become tools for building character. 

End moments of conflict with soft firmness and hope. Ask Allah Almighty for wisdom to keep boundaries steady and for peace to calm heated hearts. When fairness is predictable and generosity is celebrated, shared items become less about power and more about trust, mercy, and growing up well together.