What should I do when my teen says, ‘You do not understand’? 

Parenting Perspective 

When a teenager says, ‘You do not understand,’ it often comes from a place of deep frustration or a feeling of being unheard. Arguing back or insisting that you do understand usually only makes them withdraw further. The key is to validate their emotions first. This does not mean you have to agree with their choices, but it shows that you value their perspective and are willing to listen. 

Acknowledge Their Feelings 

You can begin by calmly agreeing with them. A simple response like, ‘You are right, I may not see it exactly as you do. Can you help me to understand what you are going through?’ can be very disarming. This simple phrase can shift the entire conversation from conflict to connection, making your teenager feel respected rather than dismissed. 

Stay Curious, Not Defensive 

Try to avoid rushing in to give advice or to defend your own position. Instead, ask gentle, open-ended questions about how they are feeling, and reflect back what you hear them saying: ‘It sounds like you are feeling very stressed because of the pressure at school.’ This approach helps them to open up instead of shutting down. 

Balance Understanding with Guidance 

Once your teenager feels that they have been properly heard and understood, you can then share your own perspective in a calm and gentle manner. Teenagers are far more likely to accept advice and guidance after they feel that their own feelings have been validated. By responding in this way, you are also modelling empathy, which will help them to become more empathetic adults. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam teaches that relationships, especially within the family, should be built on a foundation of mercy, patience, and a sincere effort to understand one another. 

The Importance of Reconciliation and Mercy 

The Quran reminds us that the bond between believers is like that of siblings, and that making peace and showing mercy are essential for a healthy community and family. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Hujuraat (49), Verses 10: 

‘ Indeed, the believers are brothers (to each other); so, make peace with your brothers; and seek piety from Allah (Almighty) so that you may receive His Mercy.‘ 

Good Character as a Sign of Complete Faith 

The prophetic tradition teaches that demonstrating patience, kindness, and excellent character, especially within one’s own family, is one of the clearest signs of a strong and complete faith. 

It is recorded in Jami Tirmidhi, Hadith 1162, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The most complete of the believers in faith are those with the best character, and the best of you are those who are best to their families.’ 

When you respond to your teen’s words with empathy rather than defensiveness, you are living the Islamic values of mercy and good character. Your child learns that disagreements do not have to erase respect, and that being understood is a fundamental part of feeling loved. This strengthens the trust between you and guides them towards becoming respectful, faith-centred adults.