What should I do when my child says ‘everyone else does it’ to justify harm? 

Parenting Perspective 

When a child uses the justification that ‘everyone else does it’, they are essentially outsourcing their conscience to the crowd. It is important to address this thinking error calmly and without shaming them. Statements of positive identity, such as being a person who keeps others safe, provide an anchor that is more resilient than peer pressure. 

Name the Thinking Error Without Shaming 

Calmly identify the pattern of their reasoning, not the child themselves. You could say, ‘That sounds like crowd-thinking. In our family, we make choices based on what is right, not just on what is common’. Maintain a steady and warm tone to ensure the child remains open to learning rather than becoming defensive about their peer group’s logic. 

Separate Feelings, Facts, and Values 

Help your child distinguish between the desire to fit in and the reality of a harmful act. This simple three-step process can slow down the moment and help restore sound judgement. 

• Feelings: ‘What are you worried you will miss out on if you say no?’. 

• Facts: ‘What exactly did they do, and what was the outcome?’. 

• Values: ‘Which choice would keep people safe and respect our family rules?’. 

Teach a Clear Decision-Making Framework 

Offer a simple checklist they can mentally review before copying the actions of others. 

• Safe: ‘Could this action hurt me, someone else, or damage property?’. 

• Kind: ‘Would I be okay if this were done to me or someone I care about?’. 

• Allowed: ‘Is this within the rules of our home, school, and faith?’. 

If the answer to any of these questions is ‘no’, then the decision should also be ‘no’. Repetition helps to turn this thought process into a reflex. 

Provide Ready-to-Use Refusal Lines 

Children often need the right words to navigate peer pressure without losing face. Practise short, respectful scripts with them during a calm moment. 

• ‘I am out. That is not my thing’. 

• ‘No thanks, I am going to play it safe. Catch you later’. 

• ‘That is a house rule for me. Let us do something else instead’. 

• ‘I am not risking getting into trouble for that’. 

Praise their efforts to decline, even if they seem clumsy at first. The goal is to build courage, not to achieve perfection. 

Model Principled Choices at Home 

Let your child hear you resist ‘everyone else’ thinking in your own life. For example, ‘Taking that shortcut is popular, but I am going to follow the correct process’. When they see you prioritise principles over popularity, they learn that integrity is a sign of strength, not isolation. 

Convert the Moment into Repair and Purpose 

If harm has already occurred, guide your child through the process of repair while keeping their dignity intact. This may involve apologising, replacing an item, cleaning up, or speaking to an adult. Afterwards, help your child form an identity statement, such as, ‘I am someone who keeps people safe, even when my friends do not’. 

Spiritual Insight 

The majority’s behaviour is not proof of what is right. Allah Almighty warns that following numbers can normalise what is harmful or wrong. When your child says, ‘everyone else does it’, bring them back to the criteria of what is right, not the count of who is doing it. You can say, ‘Popular and right are not always the same thing. We choose what is right because we answer to Allah first’. Linking their decisions to this higher principle gives your child a stable compass when the crowd shifts direction. 

Qur’anic Guidance: Do Not Follow the Crowd into Error 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al An’aam (6), Verse 116: 

‘And if you obey (the opinions) of the vast majority of those (who live) on the Earth, you will be misled from the pathway towards Allah (Almighty)…’ 

This verse directly answers the argument of following the crowd. 

Prophetic Guidance: Act Against Harm 

It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, Hadith 49, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Whoever among you sees an evil, let him change it with his hand; if he is not able, then with his tongue; and if he is not able, then with his heart, and that is the weakest of faith.’ 

This Hadith maps out different levels of courage for real-life situations. If your child cannot stop others, they can still refuse to join in and should step away. If speaking out is risky, they can hold firm to what is right in their heart and remove themselves from the harmful situation. Teach them to choose the highest safe level of action in the moment: stop the harm if they can, speak out if it is safe, or disengage if they must. Each level is an act of faith that affirms that the crowd is not their master. 

Putting Revelation into Daily Practice 

When faith provides your child with both a script to follow and the inner strength to stand firm, crowd pressure loses its influence. 

• Before the moment: Agree on the ‘Safe, Kind, and Allowed’ checklist and practise refusal lines. 

• During the moment: Encourage them to breathe, use the checklist, and choose the highest safe level of action described in the Hadith. 

• After the moment: Debrief without blame. Ask, ‘Which part felt hard? Which level of action did you use? What will help you next time?’. 

• Reinforce identity: ‘In our family, we protect people and obey Allah, even when it is unpopular’. 

Over time, your child learns that real belonging is not purchased by participating in harm. It is built by integrity, mercy, and making steady choices that honour Allah first.