What should I do when my child says, “But you do it too!” when I correct them? 

Parenting Perspective 

It is one of parenting’s most challenging moments: you correct your child, only for them to reply, ‘But you do it too!’ This simple sentence can feel like a direct challenge, holding up a mirror to your own inconsistencies. While it is natural to feel defensive, this is a critical opportunity to model humility, self-awareness, and the integrity of striving for personal growth. Your child is not necessarily being defiant; they are pointing out an inconsistency. How you respond will teach them a valuable lesson about accountability. 

Acknowledge Their Perspective 

Your first response should be one of openness, not defensiveness. This shows your child that you respect their observation and are secure enough to admit your own imperfections. 

• Avoid Becoming Defensive: Take a deep breath instead of immediately justifying your actions. Acknowledge their point calmly. You might say, ‘You are right. I do sometimes make that mistake too. Thank you for pointing it out.’ This immediately disarms the situation. 

• Validate Their Observation: Let them know that you understand their perspective. This helps them feel heard and respected. For example, ‘I can see why it feels unfair that I am asking you to change something that I also need to work on.’ 

Use It as an Opportunity for Self-Reflection and Growth 

This is a chance to demonstrate that growth is a lifelong journey for everyone, including adults. 

• Apologise When Necessary: Modelling accountability is crucial. If your child’s observation is valid, an apology is powerful. For example, ‘I see that I have done the same thing, and I am sorry. We can work on getting better at this together.’ 

• Explain the Importance of Improvement: Frame the correction as a shared goal, not a personal failing. Explain that just because an adult struggles with something does not make it right. You could say, ‘I am working on it because it is important. Even though I sometimes make mistakes, I am still trying to improve, and I want us both to try.’ 

Reinforce Positive Change Through Action 

Words must be followed by sincere effort. The most potent lesson comes from your child seeing you genuinely try to change. 

• Show Consistency in Your Efforts: Make a visible effort to change the behaviour your child pointed out. When they see you actively practising what you preach, they understand that improvement is a real and noble pursuit for everyone, regardless of age. 

• Praise Their Efforts: When your child tries to improve, especially after this conversation, offer specific praise. This reinforces the idea that you are a team working towards a shared goal of better character. 

By welcoming your child’s observation with humility, you transform a potentially tense conflict into a profound lesson on integrity, self-awareness, and the shared journey of growth. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam teaches that we are all fallible, and the true test of faith is not in being perfect, but in our willingness to recognise our faults and strive for betterment. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Shuraa (42), Verse 40: 

‘And the outcome (of defending) against an evil, (could be the formation) of an evil similar to it; so therefore, whoever offers amnesty and reconciliation, then his reward shall be with Allah (Almighty)…’ 

This verse, in a broader sense, encourages us to respond to challenges not with equal negativity, but with pardon and reconciliation. When our child points out our fault, responding with grace and a desire for mutual improvement is a form of reconciliation that Allah rewards. 

The ultimate measure of faith is the quality of one’s character. 

It is recorded in Jami Tirmidhi, Hadith 1162, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The most complete of the believers in faith is the one who is the best in character.’ 

This hadith reminds us that our Deen (religion) is a continuous effort to improve our character. Acknowledging our flaws and working to correct them is not just good parenting; it is a fundamental part of our faith journey. By modelling this for our children, we teach them that true strength lies not in being flawless, but in the humble and persistent effort to become better.