What should I do when insincere apologies keep the cycle alive? 

Parenting Perspective 

It can be deeply frustrating when your child repeatedly says ‘sorry’, but with no change in their behaviour. You might sense that the apology is more about escaping trouble than it is about showing genuine regret. This cycle of hurt, apology, and repeat can drain your trust and it teaches the wrong lesson, that words alone can erase actions. To rebuild a sense of meaning, you must shift the focus from saying sorry to showing a change in behaviour, guiding your child to connect their remorse with a sense of responsibility. 

Do Not Rush to Accept an Apology 

When your child apologises immediately after hurting someone, do not rush to close the matter. A quick, ‘It is okay’ teaches that an apology is the end of the problem, not that the behaviour must change. Instead, you can calmly say: 

‘I hear your apology, but I will know that you truly mean it when I see what you do next.’ 

This approach redirects the lesson from a display of emotion to a plan for action. The message is gentle but firm, showing that words are only the start of the process of repair. 

Encourage Reflection Before an Apology 

After an incident, it is a good idea to pause before prompting an apology. You could ask: 

‘What happened? How do you think the other person felt when you did that?’ 

Once your child is able to describe the impact of their actions, you can then invite them to apologise. This helps to ensure that the apology comes from a place of understanding, not just from habit. A slow apology process helps to build empathy, which is the true root of sincerity. 

Insist on a Tangible Act of Repair 

Real remorse is shown through the act of restitution. Encourage your child to make amends through an action, not just a sentence. For example: 

• Drawing a card or a note for the person they have hurt. 

• Helping a sibling they have upset with one of their chores. 

• Fixing or cleaning something that they have damaged. 

‘You have said that you are sorry for shouting, now you can show it by doing something kind to make things better.’ 

An act of repair helps to transform an apology into an act of responsibility and it gives the child a sense of ownership over making things right. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam distinguishes between a repentance that is of the lips only and a true tawbah, the repentance that transforms our behaviour. Teaching a child the depth of sincerity turns an act of discipline into one of spiritual education. It helps them to understand that Allah Almighty values not just our words, but the intentions that are reflected through a change in our actions. 

The Essence of True Repentance in the Noble Quran 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Tahreem (66), Verse 8: 

‘O you people, who are believers, seek repentance from your Sustainer with sincere contrition; perhaps your Sustainer shall absolve you from your sins; and admit you into the Gardens (of Paradise) underneath which flow rivers…’ 

This verse emphasises that it is sincerity that brings forgiveness and renewal. In the same way, in our parenting, a sincere apology can renew trust, whereas an empty one only leads to repeated mistakes. Helping your child to link their apology to a real effort to change mirrors this divine call for a genuine change of heart. 

Sincerity in the Teachings of the Holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ 

It is recorded in Sunan Nisai, Hadith 5021, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The sign of a hypocrite is that when he speaks, he lies; when he promises, he breaks his promise; and when he is entrusted, he betrays the trust.’ 

This Hadith teaches that sincerity and truthfulness are the foundation of our faith. When you teach your child that repeating an apology without a change in their behaviour is like breaking a promise, you are nurturing an honesty of the heart, which is a key trait of a true believer. 

When apologies become routine and meaningless, your calm redirection can help to transform a habit into an act of conscience. By slowing down the process, linking it to empathy, and requiring action, you can show your child that saying sorry is not an escape; it is a commitment to do better. Spiritually, this lesson reaches far beyond family life. It teaches a sense of integrity before Allah Almighty, that real repentance, like a real apology, is seen in what follows.