What should I do when I catch myself saying, ‘It’s not a big deal’? 

Parenting Perspective 

Parents often use the phrase, ‘It is not a big deal,’ with the good intention of comforting their children. The aim is to lighten their emotional burden and offer perspective. However, to a child, their problem can feel enormous. When we inadvertently dismiss it as small, they can feel unheard, belittled, or even ashamed for caring so much. Catching yourself in these moments is a valuable opportunity to repair the connection and show your child that their feelings, no matter the scale of the problem, are valid and important to you. 

Pause and Acknowledge Your Words 

The first step is to simply notice and own your words. Instead of ignoring the comment and moving on, you can gently correct yourself in the moment. 

• ‘I just said that this is not a big deal, but I can see from your face that it feels like a very big deal to you.’ 

• ‘I am sorry, I did not mean to dismiss your feelings like that.’ 

This response teaches your child that even parents make mistakes and it models the humility required to repair them. 

Reframe Your Response with Empathy 

Swap the dismissive language for words that validate their emotional experience. This allows the child to feel seen and understood, even if the situation seems minor from an adult’s viewpoint. 

• ‘This looks really tough for you right now.’ 

• ‘I can understand why this matters so much to you.’ 

• ‘Tell me more about what feels like the hardest part.’ 

Offer Perspective Without Dismissal 

You can still gently guide your child towards a broader perspective, but only after you have first offered empathy. 

• ‘I know this feels very heavy at the moment. Later on, you may see it differently, but I understand that right now it feels huge.’ 

• ‘Even big problems can be handled one step at a time. We can work through this together.’ 

This approach teaches resilience without making them feel small. 

Encourage Emotional Expression 

When a child feels safe, they are more likely to express their feelings rather than suppress them. This can turn a moment of distress into an opportunity for connection. 

• Invite them to draw or write about what is making them feel overwhelmed. 

• Allow them to speak without rushing in to ‘fix’ the problem for them. 

• Simply sit with them in silence, showing that your presence itself is a form of comfort. 

Practise Using Alternative Phrases 

You can train yourself to use gentler, more connecting phrases as your default response. With practice, these new habits will replace the old ones. 

• Instead of, ‘It is not a big deal,’ you could say: 

• ‘This seems very important to you.’ 

• ‘I can see this has really upset you.’ 

• ‘I am here to help you through this.’ 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam reminds us that all feelings are significant, and what may seem small to one person can weigh heavily on the heart of another. To honour a person’s emotions with kindness is a profound expression of mercy (rahmah), and mercy is a central tenet of our faith. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Anbiyaa (21), Verse 107: 

‘And We (Allah Almighty) did not send you (O Prophet Muhammad ﷺ), except as a mercy for the whole of the trans-universal existence.’ 

This verse establishes that mercy was the foundation of the Prophet’s ﷺ blessed example. For parents, this mercy extends to acknowledging a child’s feelings with tenderness, rather than dismissing them. 

It is recorded in Jami Tirmidhi, Hadith 1919, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘He is not one of us who does not show mercy to our young ones and respect to our elders.’ 

This hadith highlights that showing mercy towards children is an essential characteristic of a believer. Belittling their emotions, even unintentionally with a phrase like, ‘It is not a big deal,’ runs contrary to this prophetic model of care. 

When you replace such dismissals with words of empathy, you are embodying this prophetic mercy in your parenting. Over time, your child will not only learn that their emotions are safe with you, but they will also learn from your example to treat the struggles of others, no matter how small they may seem, with the same dignity and compassion.