What should I do when grandparents hand out rewards that clash with our rules?  

Parenting Perspective 

When grandparents offer rewards that contradict your household rules, it can undermine the consistency you work hard to establish. This situation is often born from affection, with grandparents simply wishing to show their love, not realising their actions may complicate your parenting boundaries. The key is to manage the situation with clarity for your child and respectful communication with your parents. 

Reinforce Rules with Your Child 

The first priority is to prevent confusion for your child. When a grandparent offers a conflicting reward, it is important to address it in the moment by calmly and gently restating the family rule. For example, you might say, “I know Grandpa gave you this wonderful treat, but in our home, we finish our homework first.” This calm reminder reinforces that your household rules remain firm, providing your child with a clear and predictable structure to follow, regardless of external variations. It teaches them that rules are consistent, not conditional. 

Communicate Respectfully with Grandparents 

It is essential to address the issue with the grandparents in a private and respectful manner. Begin by expressing gratitude for their kindness and generosity before explaining why consistency is so important for your child’s development. You could say, “Dad, I truly appreciate how special you make the children feel. However, when rewards are given before they have completed their responsibilities, it makes it harder for them to understand and follow our household rules.” 

It is also constructive to offer alternatives that align with your family’s values. Suggest non-material rewards such as extra story time, a special outing together, or small tokens that are not linked to food or circumventing tasks. This collaborative approach honours the grandparents’ role while preserving your parental authority, strengthening family harmony without compromising the structure your child needs to thrive. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam beautifully balances the duty to honour elders with the accountability parents have for their children’s upbringing. The Quran places immense importance on respecting and caring for one’s parents.¹ 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Luqman (31), Verses 14: 

‘And We (Allah Almighty) have decreed upon mankind in regard to his parents; his mother carried him (in pregnancy exposing her to) weakness upon weakness; and his dependent nourishment (from her) for two years; (thus O mankind) be grateful to Me (Allah Almighty) and to your parents, and to Me is (your ultimate) destination.’ 

This verse highlights the high status of parents and, by extension, grandparents. However, this respect is framed within the greater context of our ultimate responsibility to Allah. While honouring them is a command, parents are also entrusted with the sacred duty of raising their children correctly. 

It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, Hadith 1829a, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Every one of you is a guardian, and every one of you will be asked about those under his care.’ 

This hadith clarifies that parents are the primary guardians and will be held accountable for how they raise their children. Therefore, while respecting elders is vital, a parent must also protect the consistency and well-being of their children’s environment. By kindly guiding grandparents while upholding your household rules, you fulfil both Islamic duties: maintaining respect for family ties and ensuring your children grow within a clear, fair, and faith-based framework.