Parenting Perspective 

The Guide, Not the Judge 

When two children are pointing fingers, it can feel like stepping into a courtroom without a jury. “He started it!” “No, she did!” The blame cycle quickly becomes emotional and chaotic. Your role in this moment is not to play detective but to help them learn emotional ownership. 

The first step is to remove the tension from the situation. You should calmly say, “I am not interested in who started it. I want to help both of you take responsibility for your part.” This statement reframes the moment from winning an argument to learning from it. 

Then, you should give them space for individual reflection. Separate them briefly if necessary and ask questions that focus on accountability: 

• “What did you want in that moment?” 

• “What did you do that might have made it worse?” 

This approach encourages them to move from blame to self-awareness, a vital skill for emotional maturity. 

Shared Responsibility Over Scapegoating 

Children often blame others to avoid consequences or shame. However, when they learn that blaming makes things worse, not better, they become more willing to take responsibility. You should make this a known family value: “In our house, we do not blame; we fix.” 

Help them practise apologies that include both perspectives. For example, they could say: 

• “I should not have grabbed it, even if you had it first.” 

• “I got angry and shouted; that did not help.” 

You should celebrate when they own up to their actions. This teaches them that accountability brings healing, not humiliation. You must avoid overinvesting in “truth-finding.” The goal is not to untangle every detail, but to build hearts that lean towards honesty, peace, and repair. 

Spiritual Insight 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Israa (17), Verse 36: 

‘And do not pursue (to meddle in matters) with which you have no knowledge; indeed, your hearing (everything you heard), your sight (everything you observed), your conscience (everything you thought), in fact, all of these (your faculties) shall be called for questioning (on the Day of Judgement).’ 

This reminds us to avoid jumping to conclusions. As parents, we are accountable for fairness and must teach our children to speak the truth with responsibility, not for self-preservation. 

It is recorded in Jami Tirmidhi, Hadith 1921, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘He who does not show mercy to our young ones and respect to our elders is not one of us.’ 

This teaches us that mercy is the foundation of all interaction, especially within the family. Even in moments of tension, your tone must remain gentle, your discipline balanced, and your goal focused on growth, not guilt. When you teach your children to move from blame to responsibility, you are shaping more than just conflict resolution skills; you are nurturing future adults who are honest, humble, and spiritually aware. That is a legacy worth striving for.