What should I do if punishments leave my child saying, ‘you do not love me’? 

Parenting Perspective 

Hearing your child say, ‘you do not love me’, after a punishment can feel like a sharp blow to the heart. Beneath this statement often lies a profound emotional reaction: the child is feeling rejected, misunderstood, or disconnected, not just upset by the misbehaviour. This is a crucial signal that the punishment may be harming the relationship rather than guiding behaviour. Children often interpret consequences emotionally; if discipline is perceived as a withdrawal of love, they may internalise feelings of insecurity or resentment.¹ 

The first step is to separate the behaviour from your love. Your child must understand that while certain actions are unacceptable, your love for them is constant. Instead of escalating the punishment, shift the focus to connection, reassurance, and guidance. Use gentle, clear communication to acknowledge their feelings while reaffirming your boundaries. For example, ‘I love you very much, but hitting your sibling is not acceptable. Let us think about how to handle this differently next time’. This approach restores trust and reinforces that discipline is about learning, not rejection. 

Rebuilding Connection After a Punishment 

• Pause and empathise: Give your child a moment to express how they feel. You might say, ‘I see you feel hurt, and it is okay to feel upset’. Validation reduces defensiveness and opens a pathway for dialogue.² 

• Explain intent calmly: Clarify that the consequence addresses the behaviour, not the child’s worth. For example, ‘When I asked you to finish your chores and you refused, it was the behaviour I needed to correct, not you as a person’. 

• Reinforce consistent love: Incorporate small gestures of care immediately after the consequence, such as a hug or shared quiet time, demonstrating that discipline does not diminish your love. 

• Collaborate on solutions: Encourage your child to suggest ways to repair the situation or prevent it from happening again. This fosters accountability while strengthening your bond. 

These steps help shift the narrative from punishment as rejection to discipline as guidance, maintaining both your authority and a secure emotional connection. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam places a profound emphasis on balancing correction with compassion. The aim of discipline is never to instil fear or undermine love, but to guide the heart towards right action while nurturing trust. The heart of parenting is to correct without crushing, to guide without alienating, and to love while setting boundaries. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Nisa (4), Verses 36: 

‘And worship Allah (Almighty) only, and do not ascribe to anything instead of Him (Allah Almighty); (which amounts to  icon worshipping/paganism); and with parents (proceed with them favourably), and with close relatives and friends and impoverished (people); and your neighbour that is close to your neighbourhood, and the neighbour that is remote from you; and the companion by your side and the traveller and those (women) that are legally bound to you; indeed, Allah (Almighty) does not love those who are deceitful and arrogant.‘ 

This verse emphasises kindness and gentleness in all relationships, highlighting that even when correction is necessary, it must coexist with compassion. 

It is recorded in Al Adab Al Mufrad, Hadith 1317, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The strong person is not the one who overpowers others, but the one who controls himself when angry.’ 

This hadith reinforces that true strength in parenting lies in self-control and patience. By responding to your child’s emotional outbursts with calm, empathetic guidance, you model emotional resilience and teach that love persists even amid correction. 

Ultimately, when consequences are paired with empathy and reassurance, children learn that discipline is an expression of care, not rejection. This nurtures both trust and moral growth, creating a home where guidance and love coexist harmoniously.