What should I do if my child uses tantrums to delay things they do not want to do, like bedtime or clean-up?
Parenting Perspective
When a youngster exhibits a tantrum to postpone a scheduled activity, such as bedtime or cleaning, they are frequently attempting to test limits or express unfulfilled needs. These instances may indicate a child’s evolving feeling of autonomy and reluctance to adapt to changes. A reliable and foreseeable routine is essential. Children are less prone to resistance when they are aware of what to anticipate and the timing of events. Providing prior reminders, such as indicating that bedtime will follow this story, aids in psychologically preparing the youngster for the transition. Providing restricted options, such as selecting between two pairs of trousers or two cleaning tunes, can empower the child with a sense of agency while facilitating progress towards the necessary activity.
Maintaining composure and impartiality throughout a tantrum is essential. Refrain from negotiating or postponing the expectation to suppress the tantrum, as this may reward the conduct. Instead, simply restate the boundary: ‘It is bedtime now. I am going to stay with you until you are prepared to go. A youngster may exhibit distress or opposition, yet the parent’s composed demeanour and unwavering consistency convey a sense of security and assurance. With time, the child comprehends that tantrums are ineffective strategies for postponement, and that expectations persist consistently, even amidst heightened emotions.
Spiritual Insight
From an Islamic perspective, consistency, patience, and clarity in expectations reflect the broader values of structure and mercy in a household. Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Tahreem (66), Verse 6: ‘O you who are Believers, protect yourselves and your families from a Fire (of Jahannam) whose fuel is people and stones…’ This verse reminds parents that their role includes teaching discipline and boundaries that support moral and behavioural development, in both spiritual and worldly matters.
The practice of consistent parenting also reflects the Sunnah of holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ, who modelled gentleness paired with firm principles. It is recorded in Sahih Bukhari, Hadith 6395, that holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ stated: ‘Be gentle and calm, O `Aisha, as Allah likes gentleness in all affairs.’ This Hadith encourages parents to remain composed and kind, even when they are being tested by a child’s behaviour. Moreover, it is recorded in Sahih Bukhari, Hadith 6114, that holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: ‘He strong is not the one who overcomes the people by his strength, but the strong is the one who controls himself while in anger.’ Parents may want to consider this when they feel inclined to respond strongly to manipulative outbursts. Opting for Sabr instead of frustration, and compassion rather than revenge, reflects a parent’s behaviour in line with Islamic values, all while maintaining necessary boundaries. By demonstrating a calm and authoritative demeanour, parents help their children learn how to manage their emotions and understand the value of following appropriate guidance, both from their carers and from Allah Almighty.
