What should I do if my child refuses to act unless a reward is offered first? 

Parenting Perspective 

It can be frustrating when a child begins to expect a prize before doing anything; it feels as though they are bargaining with you instead of learning responsibility. This often happens if rewards have been overused or given too predictably. The aim is to gently shift your child from being reward-driven to being value-driven. This means helping them see that certain actions are simply part of family life or personal growth, not transactions. To achieve this, consistency and calm boundaries are key. 

What to Avoid 

When trying to change this pattern, it is important to avoid reactions that might escalate bargaining behaviour. 

• Avoid negotiating every task: This can teach them to withhold effort until a deal is struck. 

• Avoid removing all rewards suddenly: This can trigger significant resistance and frustration. 

What to Do Instead 

A gradual and thoughtful approach works best. Focus on teaching the intrinsic value of actions rather than their transactional worth. 

• Introduce natural consequences: Link tasks to their logical outcomes, such as, ‘If you do not put your shoes away, you may not be able to find them when it is time to go out’.¹ 

• Use intermittent rewards: Sometimes praise or recognition is enough, while other times a small token may be appropriate, but a reward should not be guaranteed every time. 

• Emphasise family contribution: Gently remind them of their role with statements like, ‘We all do our part in this family because we care for each other’. 

• Offer intrinsic praise: Highlight how good it feels to be capable and responsible, focusing on the positive feeling that comes from accomplishment. 

• Phase rewards down: Start with small, occasional motivators for new or difficult tasks, then reduce them as positive habits begin to form. 

What to Say in the Moment 

Having a few calms, consistent phrases ready can help you respond effectively without getting drawn into a debate. 

• ‘This is part of being in our family; it is not something to bargain over.’ 

• ‘I know you can do this without needing a prize. Let us see you try.’ 

• ‘Sometimes you will get a reward, but not always. The effort is what matters most.’ 

By staying calm and firm, you teach your child that rewards are a bonus, not a prerequisite for doing what is expected. Over time, they learn that effort itself carries meaning and that not every action needs to be compensated. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam reminds us that sincere actions must come from the heart, not merely from the promise of a worldly return.² This principle can guide us in nurturing a child’s inner compass. 

The Spirit of Sincere Action 

The Quran provides a beautiful example of acting for a higher purpose, seeking only the pleasure of Allah Almighty. This is the essence of sincerity that we can model for our children. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Insaan (76), Verses 9: 

‘Indeed, (they say in their hearts): “We are only feeding you for the sake of Allah (Almighty); we do not seek from you any reward or any gratitude”.’ 

This ayah reflects the spirit of doing good without expecting anything in return. Teaching a child to find value in helping and contributing, simply because it is the right thing to do, helps them move beyond constant bargaining and towards a mindset of sincerity. 

The Virtue of Being Beneficial 

The prophetic teachings encourage us to find purpose in serving others. This shifts the focus from “What do I get?” to “How can I help?”. 

It is recorded in Sahih Bukhari, Hadith 3493-3494, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The best of people are those who are most beneficial to others.’ 

By linking your child’s actions to the noble goals of pleasing Allah and benefiting others, you plant the seeds of genuine service. They learn that while rewards may sometimes follow, the deeper and more lasting satisfaction lies in doing good for its own sake.