What should I change if my anger keeps pushing them into lying? 

Parenting Perspective 

When children become fearful of a parent’s reaction, their instinct for self-protection will often lead them to respond with silence or lies. This is not proof that they are ‘bad’ children; it is proof that the climate in the home has become too hot. Your job is to cool that climate so that telling the truth feels safer than hiding, while still keeping your family’s standards firm. A helpful approach is to think: regulate first, ask cleanly, correct privately, and repair proportionately. 

Conduct an ‘Anger Audit’ and Set a New House Rule 

Take a moment to notice your own red-flag moments, whether it is a raised voice, rapid-fire questioning, making threats, or public scolding. Replace these reactive habits with one clear rule that you can say out loud: ‘Truth earns a calm response. Hiding earns my help to tell it.’ Post this where you will see it before you speak. Children are far more likely to tell the truth when they can predict a calm and measured tone from their parents. 

Install a 90-Second Cool-Down Before You Talk 

Before you address the issue, use a simple ‘Pause–Posture–Breath’ technique. 

• Pause: Say out loud, ‘I am just taking a minute so that I can listen to you well.’ 

• Posture: Sit down or kneel to get on your child’s level, and consciously lower your shoulders. 

• Breath: Take six slow breaths, making sure your exhale is longer than your inhale. 

A regulated adult body helps to stop the verbal chase that so often pushes children into a corner. 

Ask Like a Camera, Not a Prosecutor 

Swap loaded, emotional questions for neutral prompts that are designed to pull out the facts. 

• ‘Tell me what a camera would have seen, first, and then next.’ 

• ‘What happened, and what needs fixing right now?’ 

At the start of the conversation, it is best to avoid ‘Why did you…?’ questions, as they often invite excuses or trigger panic. Begin with ‘what’ and ‘then’. 

Create an ‘Amnesty Window’ for Telling the Truth 

State this principle clearly and consistently: ‘If you tell me the truth about what happened first, I promise to listen calmly, and the consequence will be smaller and will be handled privately.’ It is vital that you follow through on this promise every single time. Predictable mercy is far more effective at reducing lying than big threats. 

Repair Your Own Overreactions 

If you do lose your temper, it is important to model accountability for your own actions. You can say, ‘I spoke too harshly to you just then, and I am sorry. Next time, I will breathe and use camera facts.’ You can then model a prevention step for yourself, such as putting a sticky note on the fridge that reminds you: ‘Truth earns calm.’ Children are excellent at copying what we repair. 

As your own anger steadies, your child’s honesty will naturally rise, because the cost of telling the truth will feel bearable and the path to making a repair will be clear and predictable. 

Spiritual Insight 

The Believer Forgives When Angry 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Shuraa (42), Verse 37, when describing the believers: 

‘And those people that avoid the major sins and immoralities, and when they become angry, they are readily forgiving.’ 

This verse reminds us that the mark of spiritual maturity is not in never feeling anger, but in choosing to respond with mercy and measure when that anger flares. In parenting, this can look like actively cooling your own tone, asking for the objective facts, and then guiding your child through a fair and proportionate repair for the sake of Allah Almighty. 

The High Rank of Suppressing Anger 

It is recorded in Jami Tirmidhi, Hadith 2021, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Whoever suppresses his anger while he is able to act upon it, Allah will call him before the heads of creation on the Day of Resurrection and allow him to choose from the Hur al-‘Ayn whomever he wishes.’ 

This hadith teaches us the incredibly high rank of restraining our anger, even when we feel we have the power and the right to unleash it. You can make this principle practical in your home by consciously biting back a harsh response, speaking only the clean facts, and setting one proportionate act of amends with a clear prevention step.