Parenting Perspective 

It can be a deeply uncomfortable experience to hear an elder criticise your spouse in front of your children. This situation risks harming your spouse’s dignity and can leave your children feeling confused about where their loyalty and respect should lie. A balanced approach is needed: one that is firm enough to protect your spouse, but gentle enough to honour the elder and maintain family harmony. 

Step 1: Pause and Respond Calmly 

Reacting defensively in the moment may only worsen the situation. It is important to take a breath and remember your goal: to protect your spouse’s dignity without showing disrespect to the elder. 

Step 2: Use a Respectful and Redirecting Script 

You can respond with a warm but firm tone. 

• ‘I respect your opinion, but perhaps we can discuss this privately later.’ 

• ‘I would prefer it if the children see us all speaking respectfully to one another. Could we continue this conversation in another room?’ 

Step 3: Support Your Spouse Publicly 

It can be helpful to add a small, supportive comment in front of the children to protect your spouse’s dignity without escalating the conflict. For example, ‘We know their intentions are always good, even if things do not go perfectly’. 

Step 4: Debrief Privately with the Elder 

At a later, calmer moment, you can gently explain your position. You could say, ‘When criticism happens in front of the children, it affects the respect they have for us and makes parenting more difficult. I always value your wisdom, but I would be very grateful if we could discuss these things in private in the future’. 

This script protects your marriage while modelling to your children that respect and boundaries can coexist. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam teaches us to honour our elders, but it also commands us to be fair and to protect the dignity of every individual within the family. Upholding your spouse’s respect is a fundamental part of marital loyalty and a sacred trust (amānah) from Allah. 

A Quranic Reminder on Respectful Speech 

The Quran explicitly prohibits believers from belittling or criticising one another in public, as this damages relationships and causes pain. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Hujuraat (49), Verse 11: 

‘ Those of you who are believers, do not let a nation ridicule another nation, as perhaps it may be that they are better than them…and do not insult each other; and do not call each other by (offensive) nicknames…’ 

This reminds us that public criticism is forbidden, as it harms both hearts and relationships. 

The Prophetic Teaching on Honouring One’s Spouse 

The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ taught that true faith is demonstrated by a person’s good character, especially in how they treat their own spouse. 

It is recorded in Jami Tirmidhi, Hadith 1162, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The most perfect of believers in faith is he who is best in character, and the best of you are those who are best to their women.’ 

This teaches us that true faith is shown by defending and honouring one’s spouse with good character. 

By calmly redirecting criticism away from your children’s ears, you preserve your spouse’s dignity, model Islamic respect for your elders, and show your children that protecting family honour is an act of both love and faith.