Parenting Perspective 

When conflict arises with a teen, it can be challenging to find the right approach to re-establish communication. Teens are in a stage where they are developing their sense of autonomy, and their need for privacy is often at odds with their need for emotional connection. Opening a repair conversation requires sensitivity to their boundaries, respect for their privacy, and a willingness to listen without judgement. The key is to affirm their independence while also expressing your desire to reconnect. 

Start by Acknowledging Their Need for Space 

One of the most important ways to respect a teen’s privacy is to acknowledge that they may need time to process their emotions. Teens often withdraw when they feel overwhelmed, and forcing a conversation can feel intrusive. 

• What to do: Approach the conversation gently, without pressure. For instance, you could say, ‘I understand if you need some time to think, but I just want you to know that I am here if you ever want to talk about what happened.’ 

• Why it works: By giving your teen the space to come to you on their own terms, you create an atmosphere of mutual respect. It shows that you are not dismissing their need for privacy. 

Express Your Desire to Understand, Not to Control 

When approaching a repair conversation, be clear that you want to understand your teen’s perspective, not control the situation. Teens often resist when they feel lectured, but they are more likely to engage when they feel heard. 

• What to do: Begin the conversation with a simple, open-ended statement such as, ‘I would really like to understand how you are feeling about what happened. Can we talk about it when you are ready?’ 

• Why it works: This statement communicates a genuine desire to understand, rather than to impose your views. It gives your teen the autonomy to share at their own pace. 

Make the Conversation About Connection, Not Blame 

When the goal is to repair the relationship, avoid making the conversation about assigning blame. Frame the conversation around the desire to reconnect and heal the rift. 

• What to do: You might say, ‘I know we have had some tension between us lately, and I want to work through it. My goal is to understand you better and make sure we are both feeling okay moving forward.’ 

• Why it works: This approach removes the focus from guilt or fault and places it on healing and understanding. 

Use Non-Verbal Cues to Show Openness and Respect 

Sometimes, non-verbal communication can be just as powerful as words. Simple gestures such as giving them space, speaking calmly, or showing a willingness to listen without interrupting can help create a safe environment. 

• What to do: Keep your tone calm and your body language open. Make eye contact and show that you are emotionally available, but also mindful of their need for space. 

• Why it works: Non-verbal cues signal respect for their emotional boundaries. When your teen feels safe, they are more likely to open up. 

Invite Their Perspective Without Pressuring for Answers 

In a repair conversation, it is crucial that your teen does not feel pressured to share more than they are comfortable with. Allow them to share as much or as little as they wish. 

• What to do: Encourage open dialogue by asking gentle, non-invasive questions. For example, ‘I am really interested in hearing how you see things, whenever you feel ready to share.’ 

• Why it works: This gives your teen control over how much they share and shows that you respect their pace. 

Spiritual Insight 

The Danger of Negative Assumptions 

The noble Quran reminds us that in our interactions with others, especially in moments of conflict, assumptions can lead to misunderstandings and emotional harm. When approaching a teen to repair a relationship, we are encouraged to avoid assumptions about their feelings or intentions. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Hujuraat (49), Verse 12: 

‘ Those of you who have believed, abstain as much as you can from cynical thinking (about one another); as some of that cynical thinking is a sin…’ 

By giving space and allowing our teen to express themselves on their own terms, we create a space of understanding rather than judgement. 

The Importance of Mercy in Relationships 

The teachings of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ highlight the importance of showing mercy and humility when we make mistakes, especially in our relationships with our children. A sincere apology should come from a place of humility. 

It is recorded in Riyadh Al Saliheen, Hadith 893, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Whoever does not show mercy to others will not be shown mercy.’ 

This hadith reminds us that we must recognise the harm caused and offer genuine efforts to restore the relationship.