Parenting Perspective 

When a child repeatedly backchats, it is an easy and understandable reaction for one parent to deflect the situation to the other by saying, ‘Go and talk to your mother’, or, ‘Your father will deal with this’. Although it may seem convenient in the moment, this habit can weaken parental authority and inadvertently encourage a child to escalate their behaviour until they reach the parent they perceive as ‘softer’. A strong and effective plan requires both parents to hold the line together, without bouncing the responsibility back and forth. 

Establish Clear Roles for Handling the Behaviour 

It is important to agree on a simple principle as a couple: whichever parent first addresses the backchat is the one who will see the correction through. The other parent’s role is to offer silent but firm support, perhaps with their presence, a calm nod, or a firm look, but not by taking over the interaction. 

Implement a Consistent Consequence 

Establish a standard, predictable response for backchat that both of you will use. This could be: 

• A calm but firm warning: ‘Please speak respectfully, and then we can continue this conversation’. 

• A clear consequence if the behaviour continues, such as the temporary loss of a privilege. 

The key is that both parents must uphold the exact same consequence every time. This ensures the child cannot seek an escape route by appealing to the other parent. 

Avoid Passing Responsibility to Your Spouse 

Actively resist the urge to redirect the child to your spouse. Instead, use phrases that reinforce your own authority, such as, ‘I have already explained the rule to you, and I expect you to follow it’. This language keeps the authority steady and prevents the child from ‘shopping around’ for a different answer. 

Debrief Privately to Maintain Unity 

Later, in private, it is crucial to discuss how the situation was handled. If one of you felt the response was too strict or not firm enough, this is the time to talk it through and agree on any refinements for the future. It is vital that your children never see you divided in the moment. 

By handling backchat with unwavering consistency and refusing to pass the child between you, you build mutual respect, preserve your parental authority, and model true unity, even when under pressure. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam teaches parents to guide their children with a blend of patience, firmness, and unity. Allowing a child to pit their parents against each other is damaging to both the child’s discipline and the family’s harmony, whereas consistency is a direct reflection of justice. 

The Commandment of Consistent Justice 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Nisa (4), Verse 135: 

‘ O you who are believers, remain upright in upholding justice, bearing witness (to such actions) for the sake of Allah (Almighty); even if it goes against your own interest, or that of your parents, or your close relatives…’ 

This verse commands us to be steadfast in justice. In parenting, this means applying rules consistently and fairly, without wavering, even when it feels inconvenient or uncomfortable to do so. 

The Principle of Good Speech 

It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, Hadith 48, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should speak good or remain silent.’ 

This fundamental principle teaches us that disrespectful speech, such as backchat, must be curbed. It is a parental duty to guide children towards using their words with dignity and goodness, or choosing silence over disrespect. 

By standing united and consistent in handling backchat, you fulfil your role as shepherds of your children. They learn that respect is non-negotiable, and that love from parents is shown not through divided authority but through firm, merciful guidance rooted in faith.