What kind of tone and body language helps when I’m de-escalating a tantrum?
Parenting Perspective
The way a parent reacts, both in actions and words, during a child’s tantrum can significantly influence whether the situation gets worse or starts to calm down. Children are very attuned to the signals from adults nearby, especially in terms of voice tone, facial expressions, body posture, and gestures. A calm, low, and firm voice, along with steady and slow movements, generally helps to lessen anxiety and agitation in children. Using harsh tones or abrupt gestures can backfire, causing fear or resistance instead of the desired response. Being at the child’s eye level, whether standing or sitting, can make them feel more secure and understood, instead of feeling overwhelmed or overshadowed.
Maintaining calm and open body language, like keeping your hands relaxed and shoulders down, can indicate that the parent is managing their emotions well and that the surroundings feel secure. Taking a moment of silence or a short pause before speaking allows the child to manage their breathing and lessen sensory overload. The actions described may not instantly end a tantrum, but they help establish a basis for the child to gradually start calming down. Over time, this approach teaches that intense emotions can be handled without yelling or causing a disturbance.
Spiritual Insight
Islamic teachings provide valuable advice on handling strong emotions with grace and self-discipline. Children learn by watching others, and when a parent remains calm, they serve as a real-life example of patience and kindness. Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Aalai Imran (3), Verse 134: ‘…They suppress their anger; and are forgiving to people; and Allah (Almighty) loves those who are benevolent.’ This verse encourages a deep internal discipline that can be quietly expressed through voice and posture, especially when emotions run high.
Holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ also modelled extraordinary calmness and compassion with children. It is recorded in Jami Tirmidhi Hadith 1919, that holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ stated: ‘He is not one of us who does not have mercy on our young and does not respect our elders.’ This mercy was evident not just in his words, but also in his calm manner. He never raised his voice in anger, even when addressing errors. When a child feels overwhelmed, they require a sense of safety rather than a feeling of threat. When you show kindness in your voice and calmness in your gestures, you create an environment that allows your child to regain emotional stability. The restraint and compassion shown by parents can be seen as a form of Sabr and a way to seek the approval of Allah Almighty. Each calm reaction serves as a Dua for strength, guidance, and harmony within the family.
