What kind of praise grows pride in effort, not ego? 

Parenting Perspective 

Praise is a powerful tool. It shapes the way a child sees themselves, what they value, and how they measure their own success. However, not all praise is equal. When a child only hears praise like, ‘You are so smart,’ or, ‘You are the best,’ they can begin to believe that their worth comes from being perfect or from being better than others. This type of praise can inflate the ego, create a fear of failure, and discourage them from attempting more difficult tasks in the future. 

The goal is to shift your praise away from innate talent and towards a child’s effort, persistence, and character. This type of praise helps to grow their internal pride, which is the satisfaction that comes from working hard, staying patient, or showing kindness, rather than an external pride that feeds on comparison with others. 

Focus on Their Effort Over the Outcome 

Instead of only praising the final result (‘You got full marks!’), make a point of praising the process they went through to get there. 

• ‘I saw how long you focused on that puzzle without giving up.’ 

• ‘You tried again even after it felt tricky. That shows real determination.’ 

• ‘You worked on that problem step by step until you figured it out.’ 

Highlight Their Specific Actions 

Avoid vague praise like, ‘Good job.’ Instead, be precise about what you have noticed. 

• ‘I really liked how you shared your colouring pencils with your sister without me even having to ask.’ 

• ‘You stacked those blocks so carefully to make sure they did not fall over.’ 

Specific feedback helps a child to connect your praise to a behaviour they can repeat. 

Link Their Actions to Positive Values 

Show your child that their effort is not just helpful, but is also a reflection of a deeper, meaningful value. For example: ‘You showed so much patience with your sister today, and that is a big part of being a kind person.’ This helps to build their pride in living according to good values, not just in their achievements. 

Avoid Comparing Them to Others 

Saying, ‘You are better than everyone else,’ only encourages unhealthy competition. Instead, you can compare your child’s current progress with their own past efforts: ‘Last week you were struggling with this, but today you managed to do it all by yourself. That is amazing progress.’ 

Offer Praise Quietly at Times 

Public praise can sometimes make a child want to show off. On occasion, whispering a kind word in private, such as, ‘I noticed how carefully you were working on that,’ can deepen their sense of sincerity and prevent their ego from becoming inflated. 

Mini Dialogue Example 

Child: ‘Did I do the best drawing in the whole class?’ 

Parent: ‘What I love most about your drawing is how carefully you took your time with it. You filled every single corner with beautiful colours. That effort is what makes it so special.’ 

Child: ‘…So it is not about being the best?’ 

Parent: ‘Exactly. It is about giving your best effort.’ 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam teaches us that our deeds are ultimately judged by their intention, not by how impressive they may look to others. This principle mirrors the idea that our praise should nurture sincerity and effort in a child, not their ego. When a child learns to value their effort for the sake of Allah, they grow in both humility and resilience. 

Effort with Sincerity Is What Matters Most 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Aalai Imran (3), Verse 195: 

‘Then their Sustainer responded to them, (saying): “Indeed, I shall not let the actions of any labourer amongst you go to waste, whether they are male or female, as some of you are from others (i.e. from the same human race)…”.’ 

This verse is a beautiful reassurance that every bit of effort we make is seen and valued by Allah. For a child, this means: ‘Allah sees all of your hard work, even the small attempts that no one else notices. Nothing you do with a sincere heart is ever wasted.’ 

Deeds Are Judged by Their Intentions 

It is recorded in Mishkaat Al Masaabih, Hadith 1, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Actions are but by intention, and every man shall have only that which he intended.’ 

This can be simplified for a child: ‘Allah looks at why you tried, not just at what happened in the end. If your heart wanted to do good and you worked hard for that, Allah rewards you for it, even if the result was not perfect.’ 

By teaching this, you help your child to see that true pride comes not from being ‘the best’, but from knowing that they have given their sincere effort. They learn that the praise of parents and teachers matters far less than Allah’s recognition of their hard work, which helps to build humility, perseverance, and real self-worth.