What is the best way to handle a teen who says parental controls are ‘spying’ and a sign of mistrust? 

Parenting Perspective 

It is a common challenge for parents when teenagers push back against digital controls, often labelling them as a form of ‘spying.’ Behind this accusation is usually a natural and healthy desire for more independence and trust. At the same time, parents are focused on ensuring their child’s safety in a digital world filled with risks. The best path forward is to strike a balance between protection and respect, reframing these controls not as suspicion, but as a form of guidance. 

Acknowledge Their Feelings 

Begin by recognising their perspective with empathy. You could say: ‘I understand that you want more privacy and independence. That is a natural part of growing up.’ This approach helps teenagers to feel respected rather than immediately dismissed, setting a more collaborative tone for the conversation. 

Explain the Purpose of Controls 

Frame the controls as a form of protection, not surveillance. You could use an analogy they can understand: ‘We are not trying to spy on you. We just need to make sure you are safe online, in the same way we would not let you go out late at night to an unfamiliar place alone.’ Teenagers are more likely to accept boundaries when they understand the loving reasoning behind them. 

Link Trust to Responsibility 

Make it clear that greater freedom is earned through demonstrated responsibility. You can explain: ‘As you show us that you can use your phone responsibly, we can begin to loosen these controls. Trust is something that grows step by step.’ This shows them that the controls are not permanent fixtures, but a transitional phase. 

Offer Gradual Independence 

Instead of practising rigid, constant monitoring, allow for a gradual increase in their privacy as your teenager proves they can handle it responsibly. This balance of oversight and freedom shows that you are willing to trust them, while still fulfilling your duty of guiding their growth. 

By approaching this conversation with empathy and firmness, parents can shift the focus from ‘spying’ to ‘supporting.’ This helps to make parental controls part of the trust-building process, rather than a barrier to it. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islamic teachings guide us to understand that freedom and responsibility are intrinsically linked. Trust should always be granted with wisdom and care, never with recklessness. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Baqarah (2), Verses 286: 

‘Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear…’ 

This principle reminds us that any responsibility we give our children, including digital freedom, should be in line with their capacity to handle it, not beyond what is wise for their stage of development. 

It is recorded in Jami Tirmidhi, Hadith 1705, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Every one of you is a shepherd, and every one of you will be asked about his flock.’ 

This profound teaching establishes that parents are guardians who are ultimately responsible before Allah Almighty for protecting their children until they are mature enough to guard themselves. 

By linking the concept of parental controls to the Islamic principle of amanah (trust) and care, parents can help their teenager see that this guidance is not about spying, but about love and mutual accountability. Over time, this helps the teenager to view parental protection as a stepping stone towards greater independence, rather than an obstacle blocking their path.