What is our script when a friend is kind alone but mean in a group? 

Parenting Perspective 

This kind of situation can be deeply confusing for a child. When a friend is warm and friendly in a one-on-one setting, but then turns cold, mocking, or dismissive in front of other people, it can send a very mixed and confusing signal. Your child may begin to wonder, ‘Did I do something wrong?’, or ‘Why do they act so differently when they are around other people?’ Helping them to name what is happening in these situations, which is often a case of social pressure and insecurity on the part of the friend, can allow them to step back emotionally instead of blaming themselves. 

Helping Them to See the Hidden Dynamics 

It is important to start with a sense of reassurance: ‘It is not your fault. Sometimes, people can act differently when they are in a group because they are trying to fit in or to seem stronger than they really are. That says more about them than it does about you.’ This can help to remove your child’s sense of shame and can help to build their own self-worth. The aim is not to create a feeling of bitterness towards the other child, but to teach them a sense of discernment, the quiet wisdom of being able to recognise when another person’s behaviour does not match the true meaning of friendship. 

Teaching the Power of Setting Calm Boundaries 

You can help your child to prepare a ‘script’ that they can use in the moment. These should be simple, confident sentences that can help them to show their own strength without having to resort to anger. 

• ‘Hey, that was not very cool. You do not talk to me like that when it is just the two of us.’ 

• ‘You can make a joke, but not at my expense.’ 

These statements help to call out the behaviour without causing any humiliation. They make the difference between the friend’s private kindness and their public cruelty very clear. If your child feels too shy to respond in front of other people, it is perfectly okay for them to speak to their friend privately at a later time. 

Teaching Self-Protection Without Promoting Isolation 

You can explain to your child that it is not an unkind thing for them to create a sense of distance if another person is continuing to hurt their feelings. You might say, ‘You can still be polite to them, but you do not have to stay close to someone who is making you feel small.’ You can also encourage your child to spend more of their time with people who are kind to them both in public and in private. You can explain to them that consistency is one of the key marks of a genuine friendship. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam teaches that a believer’s character should be consistent, the same in their private lives as it is in their public ones. The act of changing our behaviour in order to impress other people or to belittle someone is a contradiction to the principles of sincerity (ikhlas) and of good manners (adab). Helping your child to understand this principle can guide them to seek out friends whose kindness is steady, not selective. 

The Quranic Teaching on Sincerity and Integrity 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Saff (61), Verses 2–3: 

‘O you who are believers, why do you say (to others) that) which you do not do (yourself)? It is highly detested by Allah (Almighty) that you say (to others) that which you do not do (yourself).’ 

This verse warns us against a state of inconsistency, of saying or showing one thing while we are in fact doing another. When your child is able to see that a friend’s character seems to change when they are in a group, they are witnessing this kind of disconnect for themselves. By choosing to remain genuine in their own character, they are reflecting the kind of integrity that is so deeply loved by Allah. 

The Prophetic Teaching on True Companionship 

It is recorded in Riyadh Al Saliheen, Hadith 311, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The best companion in the sight of Allah is the one who is best to his companion.’ 

This hadith teaches us that a real friendship is not measured by our appearances, but by our consistent sense of goodness. A true friend’s behaviour should not have to shift and change with the crowd. When your child is able to gently stand their ground in these situations, they are upholding this prophetic ideal of treating others with a sense of dignity, while also expecting the same in return. 

Guiding your child through this difficult experience can help them to shape a deep sense of social wisdom. They can learn from it that a kindness that lacks consistency is not a real friendship, and that their own sense of dignity is far more valuable than a sense of popularity. 

Your own reassurance can help them to replace their feelings of confusion with a sense of clarity, of understanding that the way a person treats you when they are in a crowd is a revelation of how comfortable they are with themselves, not of your own worth. 

As they learn to choose a sense of steadiness over a sense of drama, they will be embodying the kind of character that Islam celebrates: one that is sincere, patient, and unwavering, and that is kind not just because other people are being kind, but because it is who they are in the sight of Allah Almighty.