What is a simple family rule to praise effort without backhanded comparisons? 

Parenting Perspective 

Many parents want to motivate their children through praise, but it is easy to slip into making unhelpful comparisons. Phrases such as, ‘You did better than your sister,’ or, ‘At least you are not as slow as your cousin,’ may seem encouraging on the surface, but they often breed rivalry and resentment. The goal is to establish a clear family rule that ensures praise remains focused on a child’s personal effort and growth, rather than on comparisons. 

Establish a Clear Family Rule 

A simple and effective rule is: ‘We praise what you did, not what others did not do.’ This phrase is short enough to display on the fridge and repeat often. It reframes praise as a recognition of the child’s own journey, rather than positioning them against siblings, cousins, or classmates. 

• Instead of saying, ‘You are the fastest in your class,’ you could say, ‘I saw how you kept running until you reached the finish line.’ 

• Instead of saying, ‘You are smarter than your brother,’ you could say, ‘You worked very hard to solve that tricky problem.’ 

Focus Praise on Actions and Growth 

It is more effective to praise verbs (actions) rather than applying labels. Children benefit more from hearing about their actions: ‘You concentrated,’ ‘You practised,’ or ‘You asked for help.’ This is much better than using fixed labels like ‘clever’ or ‘talented’. Action-focused praise reinforces habits a child can repeat, whereas labels can create pressure and a fear of failure. 

Child: ‘I did not come first in the spelling test.’ 

Parent: ‘Our family rule is that we praise effort, not rank. I am so proud that you studied ten new words this week. That practice is what truly matters.’ 

Child: ‘But my friend beat me.’ 

Parent: ‘I am happy for your friend, but what is most important here is your own growth. What new word will you try to learn next?’ 

Be Mindful of Subtle Comparisons 

Sometimes, comparisons can be subtle, such as saying, ‘You are the neat one in the family.’ Even seemingly positive labels can trap a child into a mindset where they fear making mistakes. Instead, keep your praise specific and current: ‘You kept your desk very neat today,’ or, ‘I noticed how carefully you folded your clothes this morning.’ 

Protect Siblings from Unhealthy Rivalry 

If you have more than one child, praise each one for their individual effort without linking them to the other. For example, you might say to one child, ‘You worked hard on your maths homework,’ and to the other, ‘You kept practising your piano piece so patiently.’ This ensures both children feel seen and valued for their unique efforts. 

Keep the Rule Visible and Consistent 

Post the family rule in a visible place. You can revisit it during weekly check-ins, asking, ‘What effort did we see this week that is worth praising?’ Over time, the rule will become second nature, and your children will begin to encourage one another in the same supportive way. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam teaches us to recognise and appreciate people’s efforts in their own right, without measuring them unfairly against one another. Dignity in praise means honouring a person’s striving as a trust from Allah Almighty and remembering that all success is a gift from Him, not a tool for rivalry. 

The Quranic View on Striving and Reward 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Najam (53), Verse 39: 

‘And they shall be nothing (to account) for mankind except what he has undertaken.’ 

This verse reminds us that each person is accountable for their own striving, not for how they rank against others. Teaching children to focus on their personal effort reflects this divine principle, reinforcing the idea that growth and sincerity matter more than winning a competition. 

The Prophetic Guidance on Sincere Striving 

It is recorded in Sunan Ibn Majah, Hadith 79, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The strong believer is better and more beloved to Allah than the weak believer, while there is good in both. Strive for that which benefits you, seek the help of Allah, and do not feel helpless.’ 

This hadith teaches that while strength is valued, there is goodness in all sincere effort. The message for a child is that their worth is not found in being ‘better’ than someone else, but in striving sincerely with the abilities Allah Almighty has given them. By grounding your family’s approach to praise in this guidance, you help your child grow with both humility and confidence.