What is a calm response when my child says, “that is not my mess”? 

Parenting Perspective 

When a child claims, “That is not my mess,” it is often a sign of their reluctance to take on a task they see as unfair or unpleasant. A calm and consistent response can turn this moment of resistance into a valuable lesson about teamwork and shared space. 

Acknowledge Their Perspective 

The first step is to validate their feelings without necessarily agreeing with their statement. You could say, ‘I understand you feel that this is not your mess’. This approach acknowledges their viewpoint and opens the door for a constructive dialogue, which prevents the situation from escalating into an argument. 

Encourage Shared Responsibility 

Instead of trying to assign blame, it is more effective to frame the situation as a matter of collective responsibility. You might respond with, ‘Regardless of who made the mess, it is important that we all contribute to keeping our home clean and tidy’. This encourages a sense of teamwork and shared duty, reducing any feelings of isolation or unfairness. 

Model the Desired Behaviour 

Demonstrate the behaviour you wish to see by actively participating in the cleaning process. Children are far more likely to emulate the actions they observe in their parents. By showing that cleaning up is a normal and positive activity that everyone does, you set a positive precedent for them to follow in the future. 

Spiritual Insight 

In Islam, responsibility within the family is not about assigning blame but about nurturing cooperation and justice. When a child resists with the words, “That is not my mess,” parents have the chance to show them that a household is a shared trust, where each member contributes for the good of all. Teaching children to take part in tidying even when the mess is not theirs helps them develop empathy, fairness, and a sense of belonging. It reminds them that service to the family is an act of service to Allah Almighty. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Mumtahanah (60), Verse 8: 
‘You are not forbidden by Allah (Almighty) from being righteous and showing clemency upon those (disbelieving) people that do not fight (you in following) your pathway of life (compliant with existential nature as created by Allah Almighty), and do not evict you from your homes; indeed, Allah (Almighty) loves those people who show clemency.’ 

This verse reminds us that justice and righteousness are values that extend to everyone, even those outside the family. Within the home, this means treating one another with fairness and stepping in to help regardless of who caused the mess. When children learn that Allah Almighty loves those who act justly, they see that fairness in daily routines is not optional, but a beloved quality of faith. 

It is recorded in Jami Tirmidhi, Hadith 1162, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 
‘The best of you are those who are the best to their women.’ 

This hadith reflects a broader principle of kindness and fairness within the household, showing that excellence in faith is proven in how we treat those closest to us. By modelling shared responsibility and encouraging children to contribute without complaint, parents plant the seeds of compassion, teamwork, and justice. Over time, these small acts of cooperation teach children that living with others means carrying each other’s burdens, and that doing so is a path beloved to Allah Almighty.