What helps when my child wants a hug and also hits me away? 

Parenting Perspective 

Few moments leave a parent more confused than when their child runs towards them crying for comfort, only to push or hit the moment you reach out. This push-and-pull behaviour is not defiance; it is a sign of emotional overload. Your child is torn between craving the safety of your arms and being overwhelmed by strong feelings they cannot yet process. Understanding this allows you to respond calmly and help them feel secure.

 

Understanding the Internal Conflict 

Young children lack the ability to regulate their emotions. When they are hurt, tired, or overstimulated, their brains can become flooded with stress hormones. They may long for your reassurance but feel too dysregulated to receive it calmly. The ‘hit’ is not truly about you; it is a physical expression of their inner confusion: ‘I need you close, but I am scared of these big feelings.’ 

How to Respond When They Push and Pull 

• Stay Grounded: When your child hits or pushes, protect yourself calmly without reacting with anger. You can take a gentle step back and say softly, ‘You are very upset right now. I am right here for you when you are ready.’ This sets a boundary against hitting while communicating emotional safety. 

• Offer Calm Presence, Not Immediate Touch: Children sometimes need a moment to regain control before they can accept comfort. You can sit nearby, breathe slowly, and keep your voice steady. Your quiet consistency teaches them that your love does not withdraw, even when their emotions are running high. 

• Reconnect Gently: When you notice your child starting to settle perhaps their breathing slows or they make eye contact that is your cue. You can open your arms and say, ‘Would you like a hug now?’ This offers them autonomy and respect, teaching them that comfort is always available but will never be forced. 

• Reflect and Repair Later: Once peace is restored, you can talk gently about what happened. ‘You were very angry earlier, and you did not want me to touch you, but then you wanted a hug. Sometimes our feelings can get mixed up. Next time, you can try telling me, “I need a little space.”’ This helps to build their emotional literacy. 

Spiritual Insight 

Parenting often feels like a test of patience, and that is precisely where our spiritual growth can lie. When your child rejects your comfort and you still respond with tenderness, you are engaging in jihad al-nafs the struggle to master your own emotions for the sake of Allah. 

Mercy in the Midst of Confusion 

The Quran calls us to respond to agitation with gentleness. When your child lashes out in confusion, your calm response is a reflection of the quality of rahmah (mercy) that defines our faith. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Furqaan (25), Verse 63: 

‘And the true servants of the One Who is Most Beneficent are those who wander around the Earth with humility; and when they are addressed by the ignorant people, they say: “Peace be unto you”.’ 

The teachings of our Prophet ﷺ also provide a profound reminder that our mercy is not conditional on the other person’s calmness or gratitude. 

It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2319, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Whoever does not show mercy to people, Allah will not show mercy to him.’ 

When a child hits while seeking comfort, it is easy to feel hurt or rejected. Yet, showing mercy in that moment is exactly what the Prophet ﷺ described as a path to divine favour. Responding with patience instead of anger mirrors the mercy of Allah, who continues to nurture us even when we act from a place of confusion or pain. 

Your child learns through your gentleness that love does not disappear when feelings become messy. Each time you respond with mercy in the face of chaos, you are planting the seeds of empathy and emotional safety, which are the moral foundations of a spiritually healthy home. Over time, they will remember not the tantrum, but your steady heart and the way you stayed near them even when they could not handle the closeness.