What helps when every mistake becomes ‘the teacher’s fault’ or ‘unfair rules? 

Parenting Perspective 

When a child immediately shifts fault onto a teacher or ‘unfair rules’, this behaviour often masks feelings of fear, shame, or confusion. Before you contest their words, it is helpful to first acknowledge the feeling they are expressing. A simple statement like, ‘I understand why that seems unfair to you’, can open the gate to a calmer and more honest conversation. If you respond with anger or dismissal, the child is likely to become defensive. 

This approach transforms a conversation about blame into one focused on growth, accountability, and personal agency. It helps the child reflect on their choices rather than recoiling from criticism. 

Recognise the Emotional Drive Behind Blaming 

Gently help your child explore the situation from three different angles. 

• Self and choice: What parts of this situation were within your control? 

• Rules and structure: What were the expectations or constraints that applied to everyone? 

• Other factors: Were there any other circumstances or misunderstandings involved? 

When they can see all three perspectives, it becomes more difficult for them to resort to blanket blame. 

Shift from Blaming to Planning 

Turn the conflict into an opportunity for growth by asking guiding questions that encourage forward-thinking. 

• ‘What is one thing you could do differently next time, even with that rule in place?’ 

• ‘Which small step is yours to manage when you start tomorrow?’ 

• ‘How might you ask for help or clarification next time this happens?’ 

Use Neutral, Fact-Based Language 

Avoid making comments that are loaded with judgement or could induce shame. Instead of saying, ‘You always blame others’, try a more neutral observation: ‘I heard you say the rules are unfair. Which part felt that way, and what might make it clearer for you next time?’. 

Model Owning Your Own Flaws 

When you make a mistake, such as missing an appointment or forgetting to answer a message, acknowledge it openly. For example, ‘I forgot to call and I initially blamed the traffic, but I should have managed my time better. I will set a reminder next time’. Your humility provides a powerful lesson in accountability. 

Ritualise a Repair-and-Reset Pattern 

Create a predictable sequence for handling missteps that helps to diffuse blame over time. 

1. Acknowledge: ‘I made a mistake here’. 

2. Repair: Take action to address or fix the issue. 

3. Reset: Conclude the interaction with warmth so the relationship feels safe. 

This ritual helps future mistakes become teachable moments rather than sources of conflict. 

Spiritual Insight 

Guiding a child to reflect on their own striving reorients them towards personal responsibility without dismissing their perception of unfairness. Effort becomes the measure of character, not blame. The goal is to nurture a heart that sees systems and people as partners in growth, not as adversaries. In that space, grounded in Qur’anic teachings on effort and Prophetic guidance on gratitude, relationships deepen and accountability becomes an act of faith. 

Qur’anic Guidance on Personal Effort 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Najam (53), Verses 39-41: 

‘And they shall be nothing (to account) for mankind except what he has undertaken; and indeed, whatever he has undertaken, you shall very soon observe it. Then he shall be recompensed for it with complete justice.’ 

These verses reinforce that one’s sincere effort is what matters most to Allah Almighty. 

Prophetic Guidance on Dignity in Accountability 

It is recorded in Al Adab Al Mufrad, Hadith 218, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘He who does not thank people, does not thank Allah.’ 

This Hadith is often used to teach gratitude, but it also contains a deeper lesson: accountability is a form of ‘thanking’ the systems and people around us. When a child accepts their role in an outcome rather than blaming others, they show respect for the structures in place. The shift from complaint to accountability honours the benefits they receive, even within imperfect systems. This reminds us that responsibility is not a punishment but a way of valuing the network around us as part of Allah’s mercy. 

Integrating Spiritual Guidance into Practice 

You can weave these principles into your conversations to help a child move past the habit of blaming. 

• Lead with empathy: ‘I see how this situation feels unfair to you’. 

• Introduce the verse: ‘Remember, Allah values our effort. Let’s look at your part first’. 

• Share the Hadith: ‘When we own our part, we show respect for the whole process’. 

• Plan one step together: Agree on a single, positive action for next time. 

• Close with hope: ‘Mistakes are for learning. How you respond builds your character’.