What do we do when both kids feel wronged and no one wants to go first? 

Parenting Perspective 

Few moments can test a parent’s patience more than when two children, whether they are friends, siblings, or classmates, both feel that they have been wronged and are refusing to make the first move towards peace. Each one may be insisting, ‘It is not fair. They should be the one to say sorry first.’ In that standoff, a sense of pride, of hurt, and of misunderstanding can all sit quietly between them. As a parent, your role is not to assign blame, but to guide them both back towards a state of humility, empathy, and calm, the very soil in which a true reconciliation can begin to grow. 

Begin by Acknowledging Both of Their Feelings 

It is important to start by recognising that the emotions of both children matter. You could say, ‘It sounds like you have both been hurt in this, and you are both feeling misunderstood.’ This simple act of validation can immediately help to soften their defensiveness. Children are always more willing to listen when they know that their own pain has been seen, not dismissed. It is best to avoid rushing in to try to fix or to judge the situation. Instead, your first priority should be to create a sense of emotional balance, helping them both to feel heard before they are expected to hear each other. 

Model Calmness Before Seeking a Resolution 

Children will naturally mirror the tone of the adults around them. If your own voice is tense or impatient, the conflict between them is likely to deepen. You can try saying in a gentle voice, ‘Let us all take a few deep breaths. I will listen to each of you, one at a time.’ This simple act can help to lower the emotional temperature of the room and shows them that the act of listening is the very first step towards finding a sense of fairness. 

Teach That Going First Is a Sign of Strength, Not Weakness 

This is the key insight that can help both children to begin to move forward. You can explain to them, ‘The person who says sorry or who tries to fix things first is not the weaker one; they are in fact the braver one. They are choosing to value peace more than their own pride.’ You can share some simple examples with them, such as how a true leader is often the one who makes peace first, and that this causes others to respect them more, not less. This helps to reframe the act of apologising as a form of power, the power to end a moment of tension in a kind and gentle way. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam teaches that the act of reconciliation (sulh) is one of the highest forms of goodness. When our hearts are in a state of clash with one another, the one who is able to extend a hand of peace first earns not a sense of humiliation, but a sense of honour in the sight of Allah Almighty. Teaching your children this beautiful principle at an early age can help to instil in them the qualities of humility, empathy, and moral strength, all of which are the foundations of a lasting and noble character. 

The Honour of Being the First to Make Peace 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Hujuraat (49), Verse 10: 

‘Indeed, the believers are brothers (to each other); so, make peace with your brothers; and seek piety from Allah (Almighty) so that you may receive His Mercy.’ 

This verse commands believers to be active in restoring a sense of peace whenever a relationship has been fractured. When your child is able to learn to take the first step in a moment of reconciliation, they are fulfilling this divine guidance. They can discover for themselves that the mercy of Allah flows towards those who are able to choose forgiveness over their own ego. 

The Prophetic Praise for the Peacemaker 

It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2588, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Charity does not decrease wealth, no one forgives another except that Allah increases his honour, and no one humbles himself for the sake of Allah except that Allah raises his status.’ 

This hadith reveals the inner strength that lies behind the quality of humility. When your child is able to humble themselves to say sorry first, or to take a step to calm a quarrel, they are actually being raised in their honour before Allah Almighty. The world may only see their modesty; Allah sees their greatness. 

When both of your children feel that they have been wronged, your task is not to choose a side, but to guide their hearts back to a place of softness. By teaching them that peace is a shared goal, not a prize to be won, you can help them to transform their pride into a sense of mutual understanding. 

Each time they are able to pause, to listen, or to take the first gentle step towards making things right, they are building the emotional wisdom that will be able to sustain their friendships for the rest of their lives. They are learning that being the ‘first’ to forgive or to reconcile is not about being right; it is about being real, kind, and courageous. 

Spiritually, these small moments of reconciliation are a mirror of the very heart of Islam: to value a sense of harmony over our pride, and a sense of mercy over our ego. As they grow, they will be able to carry this strength into all of their relationships, the quiet courage to be the one who begins the peace process, even when it is the hardest thing to do.