What do we do when a group sets unfair “rules” to belong? 

Parenting Perspective 

It can be a painful experience to watch your child facing a group that says things like, ‘You cannot play with us unless you wear this,’ or ‘You can only sit with us if you do what we say.’ These kinds of unwritten ‘rules’ can often form in the early years of friendship circles, an unhealthy test of a child’s loyalty that is disguised as a sense of belonging. Teaching your child how to recognise and to respond to these dynamics can help them to build their self-respect, their courage, and their empathy. They can learn from these experiences that a real friendship should never demand their smallness or their silence as its price. 

Begin by Validating Their Hurt 

It is important to start by saying what your child most needs to hear in that moment: ‘That must have felt very unfair. No one should have to try to earn a friendship like that.’ This can help to give them a sense of emotional safety before you begin to offer any advice. When a child feels that their hurt has been seen and acknowledged, they can become more open to hearing about new ways to move forward. You can then gently add some perspective: ‘Sometimes, groups of people can make up rules to make themselves feel more powerful. However, real friends do not make other people feel smaller; they make them feel stronger.’ 

Step One: Help Them to Spot the Signs of a Conditional Friendship 

You can teach your child what these unfair group rules can sound like. 

• ‘You cannot play with us unless you do this for us.’ 

• ‘Do not talk to her if you want to stay in our group.’ 

• ‘Only people who dress or speak like us can join in.’ 

You can explain to your child that these are not really rules; they are forms of control. Real rules are what keep a game fair for everyone; unfair rules are what keep the power uneven. This awareness can give your child the language they need to describe what is happening, instead of them silently accepting it. 

Step Two: Give Them a Clear and Simple Script to Use 

When your child is faced with a moment of social exclusion, some short and calm words can work best. 

• ‘That does not sound very fair to me.’ 

• ‘I just want to play, not to follow rules that are designed to hurt other people.’ 

• ‘If that is the rule of this game, then I think I will sit this one out.’ 

These simple sentences can help your child to model a sense of dignity without any aggression. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam honours the qualities of fairness (adl), dignity (karamah), and a sense of equality among all believers. Our faith forbids any sense of arrogance or of exclusion that is based on a person’s wealth, their status, their looks, or their popularity. Teaching your child to stand firm against any unfair treatment is not only an act of emotional wisdom, but also one of spiritual strength. 

The Quranic Call to Justice and Equality 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Hujuraat (49), Verse 13: 

‘O mankind, indeed, We (Allah Almighty) have created you all from one man and one woman; and placed you amongst various nations and tribes for your introduction to each other; indeed, the best of you in the judgement of Allah (Almighty) is the one who is most virtuous…’ 

This verse reminds your child that Allah Almighty values people for their inner goodness, not for their appearance, their possessions, or their popularity. When they are able to refuse to follow the unfair rules of a particular group, they are affirming their own dignity in the way that Allah has created it: as something that is equal and noble. 

The Prophetic Warning Against Pride and Exclusion 

It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, Hadith 91, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘He who has even a mustard seed’s weight of pride in his heart shall not enter Paradise.’ 

This hadith teaches us that a sense of arrogance, the feeling of being ‘better’ than other people, is a spiritual disease. When your child is able to walk away from those who are acting in a superior or an unkind way, they are not being proud; they are in fact protecting their own sense of humility and of integrity. 

Guiding your child through these unfair group dynamics can help them to build both their resilience and their own sense of self-worth. They can learn that a friendship is not a prize to be won, but a place where they can rest safely. 

Your own steady reassurance that they do not have to ‘earn’ a sense of belonging will help to strengthen their heart. They will come to see for themselves that walking away from what is unfair is not a sign of loneliness, but a sign of strength. 

Spiritually, these lessons can help them to grow a sense of their own identity, one that is rooted in the justice of Allah. When they are able to stand firm against a moment of exclusion, they are silently affirming, ‘My worth was given to me by Allah, not by anyone else’s rules.’