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 What do tantrums in younger children look like compared to older ones?

Parenting Perspective

Tantrums happen at various ages, but their nature and significance evolve as a child grows. Young children often express their frustrations through loud, physical outbursts and quick reactions. A young child might fall to the ground, cry, yell, or hit when they feel overwhelmed or frustrated. This behaviour shows that they have a restricted vocabulary and struggle with managing their emotions effectively. They currently lack the ability to convey intricate emotions or reach agreements. Their outbursts usually stem from being tired, hungry, or experiencing changes in their usual routine. 

Children who are older, usually around five years old and up, might show tantrums in a more managed or calculated manner. They may respond defensively, resist change, close doors forcefully, or speak in a harsh manner. These outbursts may indicate underlying frustration, feelings of unfairness, or efforts to establish independence. In contrast to young children, they may have come to understand that certain actions can postpone undesirable responsibilities or elicit reactions from their parents. At this stage, tantrums are more about negotiating emotions rather than just expressing raw feelings, even though they may still be somewhat immature. 

Understanding the developmental needs of each age group enables a parent to react in a suitable manner. Young children require reassurance, defined limits, and the ability to identify their feelings. Older children gain advantages from clear consequences, steady interaction, and established routines that have been agreed upon in advance. The emphasis is on ensuring they feel secure while assisting them in finding more appropriate methods to handle distress or disappointment.

Spiritual Insight

The Islamic approach to nurturing children includes recognising their different needs at each stage of development and responding with patience and measured guidance. Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Israa (17), Verse 23: ‘And your Sustainer has decreed that you do not worship anyone except Him Alone; And (treat) parents favourably; whether one of them or both of them reach old age in your lifetime; then do not say to either of them ‘Uff’ (an expression of disrespectful frustration) and do not admonish them; and talk to them with kind words.’ This verse mainly talks about children showing respect to their parents, but it also serves as a reminder for us as parents to demonstrate respectful communication and thoughtful actions. The training we offer includes elements of tone, restraint, and dignity.

Furthermore, it is recorded in Sunan Ibn Majah, Hadith 3689, that holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ stated: ‘Allah is Gentle and loves gentleness in all things.’ This Hadith advises parents to demonstrate kindness, especially during difficult times like tantrums. Young children need compassion and guidance, while older children need respect and understanding as they grow into responsible individuals. Islam does not require young children to have perfect control over their emotions. Instead, it instructs us to embody patience, gentleness, and a balanced firmness. Understanding both developmental awareness and spiritual consciousness enables a parent to differentiate between emotional immaturity and intentional disobedience, allowing them to respond with hope in Allah Almighty and a sense of responsibility before Him.

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