What do I say when one child always wants to go first? 

Parenting Perspective 

It is a common phase for one child in a family to consistently demand the first turn in everything, from choosing a game to getting their food. This behaviour can understandably frustrate siblings and create frequent arguments. While it is tempting to snap, ‘Stop being so selfish,’ a calm and consistent response is far more effective at teaching the principle of fairness without causing shame. 

Acknowledging the Desire Calmly 

Children often push to be first because they crave a feeling of importance or fear they might miss out. You can begin by acknowledging the feeling with empathy. This simple acknowledgement helps your child to feel seen and understood before you introduce a limit. 

• ‘I know you really want to have the first turn. It feels exciting to be first.’ 

Teaching Fairness With Clear and Predictable Rules 

It is important to avoid getting drawn into endless negotiations. Instead, establish clear and predictable systems for turn-taking that the whole family understands. 

• You could rotate who goes first each day. 

• You could use a timer for each person’s turn. 

• The parent can be the fair judge when a new situation arises. 

State the rule for the day firmly but gently: ‘Today, it is your sibling’s turn to be first. Your turn will be tomorrow.’ 

Praising Patience When They Wait Their Turn 

When your child manages to wait for their turn without a fuss, make sure to reinforce that positive choice with praise. This helps them to reframe patience as a strength, rather than as a loss. 

• ‘I noticed how patiently you waited for your turn today. That was very kind and fair of you.’ 

Reframing the Meaning of ‘First’ and ‘Second’ 

You can also help them to reframe their thinking, reminding them that coming second is not the same as losing. 

• ‘In our family, everyone gets the same chance to play. Sometimes you will be first, and sometimes your sibling will be first. Both turns are just as important.’ 

• Child: ‘But I want to go first, always!’ Parent: ‘I hear that you want to be first. Today, it is your sibling’s turn. You will have the first turn tomorrow. That is what fairness means in our family.’ 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam teaches us the importance of fairness, patience, and sharing. A persistent demand to always be first can be a sign of selfishness, whereas learning to wait patiently for one’s turn helps to build character and earns a spiritual reward. 

Justice in Taking Turns 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Maaidah (5), Verses 8: 

‘You who are believers, become steadfast (in your devotion) to Allah (Almighty), corroborating all of that which is just; and never let your hatred of any nation prevent you from being just, – let justice prevail…’ 

This verse is a powerful reminder that acting with fairness and justice is a command from Allah, a principle that applies even in the small matter of taking turns between siblings. 

The Prophet ﷺ on Loving for Others 

It is recorded in Sunan Ibn Majah, Hadith 66, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself.’ 

This beautiful hadith teaches a profound lesson in empathy: that a sign of true faith is wanting for others the same good that we want for ourselves, including the simple joy of having a turn. 

By calmly addressing your child’s demand to always go first, you guide them towards the essential qualities of fairness, patience, and empathy. Over time, they learn that waiting for their turn is not a loss, but an opportunity to practise justice and to live out the values of their faith.